Evan Esar Quotes
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A woman is always ready to describe another woman as charming, but only if the other woman is not charming.
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A smart mother suggests that her child bring an apple to his teacher; a smarter mother suggests that he bring a couple of aspirins.
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Nothing ages your car as much as the sight of your neighbor's new one.
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The saddest thing in life is to marry a woman who looks like a cook--and isn't.
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Definition of a Statistician: A man who believes figures don't lie, but admits than under analysis some of them won't stand up either.
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Think twice before you speak, and then you may be able to say something more insulting than if you spoke right out at once.
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A man picks a wife about the same way an apple picks a farmer.
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Many a girl who can't dance well makes up for it during intermission.
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Some women get divorces on the grounds of incompatibility; others, on just the first two syllables.
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A bacteriologist is a man whose conversation always start with the germ of an idea.
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A man is known by the company he keeps, but a woman is known by the company she keeps waiting.
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Everything comes to him who waits -- if he waits till it comes.
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Adam and Eve were the first of all unions to defy management.
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Hard work never hurt anyone who hired someone else to do it.
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All work and no pay makes a housewife.
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All things come to him who waits, but they are mostly leftovers from those who didn't wait.
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Divorce has become so easy nowadays that women have stopped crying at weddings.
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When you make your mark in the world, watch out for the envious with erasers.
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A husband is like a fire. He goes out when unattended.
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A hamburger by any other name costs twice as much.
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You can tell a man's taste in literature by his judgment in knowing what not to read.
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Egocentric: A person who has his I's too close together.
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Congress would give the people what they wanted if the people knew what they wanted, and if Congress could give it to them.
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Don't be a hog: the only time a hog helps the community is when he dies.