Evan Esar Quotes
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Definition of a Statistician: A man who believes figures don't lie, but admits than under analysis some of them won't stand up either.
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Bureaucracy is more people doing less things, and taking more time to do them worse.
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A hamburger by any other name costs twice as much.
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A man picks a wife about the same way an apple picks a farmer.
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A husband is like a fire. He goes out when unattended.
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The saddest thing in life is to marry a woman who looks like a cook--and isn't.
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A lazy man's wife is generally the power behind the drone.
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All things come to him who waits, but they are mostly leftovers from those who didn't wait.
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You can always make a loan at a bank if you can show sufficient evidence that you don't need it.
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The only way to cure an egotist from bragging is by surgery--amputation at the neck.
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Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space.
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Think twice before you speak, and then you may be able to say something more insulting than if you spoke right out at once.
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Egocentric: A person who has his I's too close together.
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Experience is a great teacher, and sometimes a pretty teacher is a great experience.
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The modern dance is no dance in the first place, and when you've finally learned it, it's not modern any more.
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A bright eye indicates curiosity; a black eye, too much.
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You can always tell the golfer who's winning: he's the one who keeps telling his opponent that it's only a game.
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An expert is someone who takes something you already know and makes it sound confusing.
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A man is known by the company he keeps, but a woman is known by the company she keeps waiting.
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The best way to make a long story short is to stop listening.
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A compromise is a settlement by which each side gets what neither side wanted.
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Next time a man tells you talk is cheap, ask him if he knows how much a session of Congress costs.
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The tongue is the only muscle in the human body that never gets tired talking.
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If you can't bear to have your face stepped on, don't try to climb the ladder of success.