Evan Esar Quotes
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When you make your mark in the world, watch out for the envious with erasers.
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Many a girl who can't dance well makes up for it during intermission.
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All things come to him who waits, but they are mostly leftovers from those who didn't wait.
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A man picks a wife about the same way an apple picks a farmer.
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Congress would give the people what they wanted if the people knew what they wanted, and if Congress could give it to them.
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More diets start in dress shops than in doctors' offices.
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Divorce has become so easy nowadays that women have stopped crying at weddings.
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Everything comes to him who waits -- if he waits till it comes.
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Nowadays it's not who wears the pants in the family, but who carries the credit cards.
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The best way to make a long story short is to stop listening.
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You can always make a loan at a bank if you can show sufficient evidence that you don't need it.
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A husband is like a fire. He goes out when unattended.
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Many a man who goes to Las Vegas to get away from it all soon finds that Las Vegas gets it all away from him.
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A hamburger by any other name costs twice as much.
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The only way to cure an egotist from bragging is by surgery--amputation at the neck.
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A compromise is a settlement by which each side gets what neither side wanted.
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Somebody is always doing something that somebody else said couldn't be done.
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Don't be a hog: the only time a hog helps the community is when he dies.
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The only place where you can find equality is in the cemetery.
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Definition of a Statistician: A man who believes figures don't lie, but admits than under analysis some of them won't stand up either.
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A man is known by the company he keeps, but a woman is known by the company she keeps waiting.
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The saddest thing in life is to marry a woman who looks like a cook--and isn't.
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It's not the loss of life that makes the death bitter -- it's the obituaries.
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Man is the control experiment of heredity and environment; and since his heredity controls him, he tries to control his environment.