Evan Esar Quotes
-
Divorce has become so easy nowadays that women have stopped crying at weddings.
-
The lazy man claims he is too heavy for light work and too light for heavy work.
-
Consistency is a jewel, but too much jewelry is vulgar.
-
When you make your mark in the world, watch out for the envious with erasers.
-
Many a girl who can't dance well makes up for it during intermission.
-
Nowadays it's not who wears the pants in the family, but who carries the credit cards.
-
Don't be a hog: the only time a hog helps the community is when he dies.
-
Congress would give the people what they wanted if the people knew what they wanted, and if Congress could give it to them.
-
The disadvantage of becoming wise is that you realize how foolish you've been.
-
Some members of Congress ought to have their mouths taped instead of their speeches.
-
A husband is like a fire. He goes out when unattended.
-
All things come to him who waits, but they are mostly leftovers from those who didn't wait.
-
A man picks a wife about the same way an apple picks a farmer.
-
Etymology: from Latin ad-, "to" + visum, past participle of videre, "to see". Advice is what you get from your parents when you are growing up, and from your children when you are growing old.
-
You can always make a loan at a bank if you can show sufficient evidence that you don't need it.
-
Definition of a Statistician: A man who believes figures don't lie, but admits than under analysis some of them won't stand up either.
-
Everything comes to him who waits -- if he waits till it comes.
-
More diets start in dress shops than in doctors' offices.
-
A credit card is a convenient device that saves you the trouble of counting your change.
-
The only way to cure an egotist from bragging is by surgery--amputation at the neck.
-
The only place where you can find equality is in the cemetery.
-
A bacteriologist is a man whose conversation always start with the germ of an idea.
-
The best way to spoil a good story is by sticking to the facts.
-
Many a man who goes to Las Vegas to get away from it all soon finds that Las Vegas gets it all away from him.