Evan Esar Quotes
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The first requisite for a good cup of coffee in the morning is to get your wife out of bed.
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The difference between two men is usually a woman.
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Formerly when a man worked ten hours a day, it was called economic slavery; nowadays it is called moonlighting.
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Good teachers cost a lot; but, poor teachers cost a lot more.
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About the only time Congress conforms to the will of the people is when it decides to adjourn.
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The diamond is the hardest stone -- to get.
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The Lord takes care of his own, but church trustees still put lightning rods on the steeple.
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Women diet to retain their girlish figures or their boyish husbands.
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An epigram is the marriage of wit and wisdom; a wisecrack, their divorce.
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Compare what you want with what you have, and you'll be unhappy; compare what you deserve with what you have, and you'll be happy.
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Diets show to what great lengths women will go so as not to go to great widths.
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Statistics Fiction in its most uninteresting form.
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Charm is to a woman what perfume is to a flower.
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A dictator's chief problem is keeping the stomachs of his subjects full while keeping their heads empty.
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The cat: an animal that's so unpredictable, you can never tell in advance how it will ignore you the next time.
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The trouble with dieting is that a pound of will power takes off only an ounce of weight.
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A husband may forget where he went on his honeymoon, but he never forgets why.
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Anger is the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind.
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A good loser is all right, but it isn't so much fun to beat him.
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Egotist: 1. A person who is his own best friend. 2. An I specialist. 3. A man whose opinions all change, except the one he has of himself.
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Many a woman would get a divorce if she could do it without making her husband happy.
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A home in the country is what a city man hopes to buy and a farmer hopes to sell.
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Many a man works himself to death by burying himself in his work.
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Corrupt officials are usually close-mouthed and open-handed.