Zach Galifianakis Quotes
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I used to be really cute. I could send you earlier photos where I'm stunning. But I've gained about twenty pounds over the past two years, and the more weight I've put on, the more success I've had. If you drew a diagram of weight gain and me getting more work, a mathematician would draw some conclusions from that.
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Whether you are on the Right or the Left, everyone can agree that there are a lot of outside influences in American politics that are not good for the system. There's just too much money.
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I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are so very mean.
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My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't laugh because he got distracted by my shoe strings.
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The only good time to say I have diarrhea is during a game of Scrabble, because it's worth a shitload of points.
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Did you ever wake up with an erection...and then you realize you're just in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk 'I'll take it!'
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At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
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I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.
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I can get away with anything. But when I try to be sincere, people just roll their eyes.
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I call my balls the bush twins.
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I live in Los Angeles and I had been drinking one night, so I was on the walk of fame and I saw Tony Danza's star and I started urinating on it. Just yelling out, 'Who's the boss now?'
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It's fun for me to couple emotion with comedy. I think it helps comedy. I think a lot of times American comedies don't play on emotion too much.
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I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.
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'Baskets' isn't a CBS show. Nothing against that, but this is an off-kilter show on cable that the channel lets you do interesting things. Look, if it works, it works. And if it doesn't, it's just a miniseries.
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I do whatever comes my way. But I get burned out on stage. It's a lonely world. I think part of the romanticism about being on the road is you get to meet a lot of - my mom once told me, "You've probably got a woman at every port." Like I'm a pirate. Obviously she doesn't know her son that well.
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I think if you come out to California trying to be an actor, it's pretty hard. There's desperation. A lot of people are desperate, and a lot of people are clueless, including me. It's hard to try to figure it out. I've never told you, but I have head shots that if you saw them... they're so terrible! It's so embarrassing.
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I know my face is turning red. I don't want you to interpret it as being embarrassed. It's rage. The color of my face is rage.
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I'm going to do all new, fresh material...you guys been keeping up with this O.J. thing?
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I want to do another reality show. It's based on The Mole. It's about sexually transmitted diseases. It's called "God, I Hope That's a Mole."
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Seriously!, this is a DVD! I need dinosaurs, thunder, race wars, something! Dammit, I gotta sell this motherfucker.... 36.63.
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Don't boo people! Don't boo! Be more specific! Like, 'WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?! I HATE THAT! I HATE IT!'
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I've never been in love... But I imagine it's similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food
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Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.
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I find anger to be funny. I find people that are so wrapped up in their own personalities to be funny, and lost. Like myself in real life.