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My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good.
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I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me!
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I'm proud of The Hangover, but to be in movies like this, which are really the only places I can get work, it's really quite the opposite of what I am. I like sensitive art-house movies. I'm not even much of a partier. I mean, I'll drink myself into oblivion alone in my car.
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I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.
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You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before.
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But comedy is like music, it appeals to some people. Some people like Creed, those people are usually pretty stupid. But they probably also like Carrot Top. I would say that they're part of the same ilk.
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I'd like to do a reality show with four white people...who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called...Cracker Hunt.
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I don't want my personal life to change. I don't understand why people strive for fame. I know it's ironic for me to be saying this, but this will be the last one I do.
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You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.
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My stand-up is more like how I am in real life. I don't really do a character thing in stand-up. It's just a bunch of sentences that are supposed to be funny.
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Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.
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I watch a happy person doing stand-up, and I go, "What the hell is this? This person's happy!" You need internal conflict. You need the guy to be out of step with society. It's a tool for comedy.
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I think sadness and anger are really fertile ground for comedy. No one is really interested in a happy person doing comedy.
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When I was a kid, I had dyslexia. And I would write about it in my dairy.