Chelsea Handler Quotes
- All Quotes
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I'm a late-night host that doesn't want to be tied down by time or television or even hosting.
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I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn't say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.
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I remember having a conversation with my sister, saying, 'What if I don't make it? What if I'm still waiting tables when I'm 35?' I was just at the end of my rope. But I've been at the end of that rope several times.
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I'm into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows.
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I try to make fun of everyone as often as possible, especially minorities.
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The love that comes from friendship is the underlying facet of a happy life.
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I don't think I'm a good host. I'm not a good host. I'm terrible at hosting. That's my problem.
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I think pregnancy is a huge responsibility.
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My standup is observational, but it's self-observational, and it's self-deprecating, definitely.
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You can act, or you can't. I'm sure a lot of people who are serious about acting would disagree, but I'm not really worried about them.
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Seeing your parents fall apart is really rough. I wouldn't wish it on anybody.
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Once you've achieved success, and you're making decisions that are working, I don't understand why anyone would be second-guessing themselves.
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Personally, I'd have a baby just for the epidural.
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I was the youngest of six kids, and my brothers and sisters were kind of a lot older than me. And the one sister that was, like, in a close age range - she was five years older than me. She was my closest sister in age, and she was a loser.
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I definitely don't want to have kids. I don't think I'd be a great mother. I don't want to have a kid and have it raised by a nanny. I don't have the time to raise a child.
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It takes me a while to get my appetite going when I wake up early.
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Great guys exist. They may not be in the package you think you like, and they may not come when you feel you deserve them the most, but they're there. I believe it. You should too. Because now I'm with someone who makes me grow every day. His name is Netflix.
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I try not to cheat on my boyfriends when I have them.
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There was never a moment when I was like, 'I'm going to enter the public conversation on the importance of female nudity.'
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I think comedy has to come from your authentic point of view.
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I started my own business because my parents had no dowry for me, and I was worried. I ran it from their Martha Vineyard's summer house. I baby-sat for a 14-year-old boy all summer and was giving him time-outs, even though I was two years younger than him.
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E! has just become a sad, sad place to live. They don't know what they're doing; they have no ideas... everything they do just is a failure.
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I always thought to myself, 'I don't want to be doing stand-up when I'm 40 years old.'
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Some men are just disgusted with me and think I should have my mouth sewn shut.