Chelsea Handler Quotes
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Great guys exist. They may not be in the package you think you like, and they may not come when you feel you deserve them the most, but they're there. I believe it. You should too. Because now I'm with someone who makes me grow every day. His name is Netflix.
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I was broke from 19 to 26, borrowing money from my parents or my brothers or sisters every week to pay the bills.
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E! has just become a sad, sad place to live. They don't know what they're doing; they have no ideas... everything they do just is a failure.
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If you're really looking to hurt somebody's feelings, just break up with them.
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You can't fast-forward heartbreak, and you can't rewind love - and that's just one big bummer.
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I always thought to myself, 'I don't want to be doing stand-up when I'm 40 years old.'
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Some people have a phobia of midgets. They're, like, scared of them. I have the opposite - I see them, and I want to hold them down, cuddle them, be like, 'Come here, you little nugget. Who's your mommy now?' So cute!
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Every time I had a book come out, I'm like, 'Is it going to be number one?'
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I like to have a home for people just to have a lot of fun.
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Some people think Hollywood is shallow. I find that it's home.
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Anyone who's married to Mariah Carey - I'm pretty sure - doesn't have a great sense of humor. I mean, let's be honest: she's ridiculous. What is her game plan?
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I wanted to be famous. It's embarrassing to admit, but I came out to L.A. thinking it would happen in no time. I thought, 'Once they see me, they'll be so glad I came.' I always had a ridiculous amount of self-confidence about what was going to happen to me.
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I have a huge impact with young girls. Young women. That's my demographic.
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Who would marry me anyway? I'm a handful.
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The challenge is to keep it fresh. If you're talking about Britney Spears over and over, it's very hard to keep that interesting.
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There's a difference between racism and people making a joke about something. There is true racism going on, and people should be able to identify what that is, comparatively.
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It's a pleasure to play my sister because everything I've accused her of my whole life, I can now re-enact before her eyes.
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I try not to apologize, especially publicly. That's a slippery slope, because I'm a comedian. If you take anything I'm saying too seriously, then you shouldn't be paying attention in the first place. If you find me offensive, don't follow me.
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MTV is known for their huge budget.
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I've always had a big personality. I was trickier as a kid. I behaved erratically instead of consistently. I would have tons of friends, and then I would have no friends. I'd be with the cool girls, then the uncool girls. I migrated from group to group because I was bored or people got bored with me. I was very intense.
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Stand-up was my entree into the entertainment world. I didn't have to act out somebody else's words. I could just stand there with a microphone, and nobody would interrupt me. It's the most narcissistic thing you could probably do.
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You either become like your parents or you become the opposite of your parents. And I like to think that I'm the opposite of my parents.
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I'm actually a big fan of Kathy Griffin because I think she's really funny. I think she's really self-deprecating, which is something I like to see in a comedian. I think those are really the best comedians: people who can make fun of themselves.
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It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.