Chelsea Handler Quotes
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Some men are just disgusted with me and think I should have my mouth sewn shut.
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I always thought to myself, 'I don't want to be doing stand-up when I'm 40 years old.'
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I once waited on a group of 10 people, and one guy collected the money from the check and tipped me $20 on $600. I told him in front of everyone, 'Jews like you give Jews like me a bad name.' That was my last waitressing job.
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MTV is known for their huge budget.
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You can't fast-forward heartbreak, and you can't rewind love - and that's just one big bummer.
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You either become like your parents or you become the opposite of your parents. And I like to think that I'm the opposite of my parents.
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Who would marry me anyway? I'm a handful.
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If you're really looking to hurt somebody's feelings, just break up with them.
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Some people think Hollywood is shallow. I find that it's home.
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There's a difference between racism and people making a joke about something. There is true racism going on, and people should be able to identify what that is, comparatively.
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Men are always like, 'You're so intimidating.' I don't find myself to be. But whatever - I'm not going to try to be less intimidating. It's just a matter of finding a guy who's able to deal with it.
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It's a pleasure to play my sister because everything I've accused her of my whole life, I can now re-enact before her eyes.
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Can you imagine peaking as a teen? I think if you peak in high school, there's a problem. That's what my sister always said: 'Don't worry, you'll peak later.'
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I wanted to be famous. It's embarrassing to admit, but I came out to L.A. thinking it would happen in no time. I thought, 'Once they see me, they'll be so glad I came.' I always had a ridiculous amount of self-confidence about what was going to happen to me.
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I never considered myself a supermodel or anything like that. I mean, I don't think I'm ugly. I have good days and bad days, and I like when I'm fit and lean and all of those things that any woman likes, but it's not the eye of the hurricane for me.
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People are following me because they want to see pictures of me. So why is Instagram editing them?
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I was broke from 19 to 26, borrowing money from my parents or my brothers or sisters every week to pay the bills.
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I've always had a big personality. I was trickier as a kid. I behaved erratically instead of consistently. I would have tons of friends, and then I would have no friends. I'd be with the cool girls, then the uncool girls. I migrated from group to group because I was bored or people got bored with me. I was very intense.
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I like to celebrate my life. I have a life that I'm really lucky to have, and so I want to make sure every minute counts and that I go on great vacations and I share my memories with people that I love and that will make me laugh and lalalalalala.
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Anyone who's married to Mariah Carey - I'm pretty sure - doesn't have a great sense of humor. I mean, let's be honest: she's ridiculous. What is her game plan?
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I like to have a home for people just to have a lot of fun.
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Don't think about anything for too long. Even if it's off-the-wall, go for it. You'll have a lot more fun in life.
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Some people have a phobia of midgets. They're, like, scared of them. I have the opposite - I see them, and I want to hold them down, cuddle them, be like, 'Come here, you little nugget. Who's your mommy now?' So cute!
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My position as the best-selling author at E! is secure - unless Salman Rushdie develops a show with them.