Bill Engvall Quotes
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A half a Vicodin and a Bahama Mama...makes for a bitchin' day!
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About magazines school children sell, which his wife buys without even looking at what she's buying.
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Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie (2003)
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People are trying to figure out how to pay bills and make ends meet. They don't want to turn on the TV and say, 'What is this crap?'
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about trampolines
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Here's Your Sign Reloaded (2003)
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Marital sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail. You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don't know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.
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after watching a spitting cobra spit at Steve Irwin
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about 'TV golfers' who try to help other people out
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playing Pictionary with his wife and some friends
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I've learned in my older age that sexy gets you further than brains.
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Jay Leno told me once, 'Don't do jokes about things you don't know about.'
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Welcome to my garage! This is where I go to get away from the honey-do list.
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Here's Your Sign (1996)
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on holiday in Hawaii
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Truck driver gets his truck stuck under an overpass, with Engvall watching.
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I come from a time when people like Bob Newhart and Bill Cosby told stories that were devastatingly funny without being off-color.
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If you're just a nice guy - you don't let people walk on you - but if you're just a nice guy and treat people right, good things happen.
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A lot of times you go to a concert, and when you leave, you don't know anything more about the act then when you got there.
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I can't count the number of times I've been sound asleep, woke up, and I was doing my hair.
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watching a baseball game in Los Angeles
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Jeff Foxworthy is having his house repainted and he has a piano in the corner
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If you lived next door to me and didn't know what I did, you wouldn't know I was a celebrity. I don't have that lifestyle, nor do I want that lifestyle. I want to know that I can have a separate life with my wife and my kids and just be normal and go camping and fishing and outdoor stuff.
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(Talking about what he wants at his funeral)