Bill Engvall Quotes
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A half a Vicodin and a Bahama Mama...makes for a bitchin' day!
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About magazines school children sell, which his wife buys without even looking at what she's buying.
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Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie (2003)
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about trampolines
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Marital sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail. You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don't know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.
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People are trying to figure out how to pay bills and make ends meet. They don't want to turn on the TV and say, 'What is this crap?'
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Here's Your Sign Reloaded (2003)
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after watching a spitting cobra spit at Steve Irwin
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playing Pictionary with his wife and some friends
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about 'TV golfers' who try to help other people out
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Jay Leno told me once, 'Don't do jokes about things you don't know about.'
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I've learned in my older age that sexy gets you further than brains.
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Welcome to my garage! This is where I go to get away from the honey-do list.
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Truck driver gets his truck stuck under an overpass, with Engvall watching.
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Here's Your Sign (1996)
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on holiday in Hawaii
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If you're just a nice guy - you don't let people walk on you - but if you're just a nice guy and treat people right, good things happen.
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A lot of times you go to a concert, and when you leave, you don't know anything more about the act then when you got there.
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I come from a time when people like Bob Newhart and Bill Cosby told stories that were devastatingly funny without being off-color.
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I can't count the number of times I've been sound asleep, woke up, and I was doing my hair.
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watching a baseball game in Los Angeles
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Jeff Foxworthy is having his house repainted and he has a piano in the corner
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(Talking about what he wants at his funeral)
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I travel fairly lightly because you have to these days. I always take a laptop and an iPod so I can watch movies and listen to music. And my Gameboy. That's a good time-killer.