Jim Gaffigan Quotes
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A lot of the teachings really kind of keep me grounded.
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I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing cynicism among all Hoosiers.
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You ever mix two different groups of friends? That can be stressful. You always feel like you have to prep 'em. You're like, "These people over here, uh, they don't think I drink. And don't be thrown by my British accent."
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It's a balancing act of you feel horrible that you're away but there is something about the road that is rather liberating.
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I think I have a lot of voices in my head and I guess my inner critic is a female.
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As I go on in standup, I keep being described as cleaner and cleaner as I do each hour, they're like, 'It's unbelievable how clean,' 'He's the cleanest person in the world.' And then I'll do shows and people will be like, 'You're supposed to be so clean, but you're talking about cancer.'
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I like that in my audiences, there's a lesbian couple sitting next to a Mormon family.
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I was raised in a family where my father was the first one to go to college.
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Babies should be classified as an antidepressant. It's pretty hard to be in a bad mood around a 5-month-old baby.
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My children have made me a better man, which is - in the end, that's probably more important than two more comedy specials or being in better shape.
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Well my chocolate is so good I could sell it in an obnoxious prism shape.
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There are a lot of good looking men on this planet. It seems like once a week someone will tell me, "I know someone who looks like you" and I don't know what say to them except, "Tell them hi."
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I'm closer to Bob Newhart than Rodney Dangerfield.
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I worked on 'USA Today' as a topic for while. I tried to do something on hand chairs, chairs that look like hands. I really tried. But some topics are not truly universal.
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Imagine you're drowning, and someone hands you a baby.
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Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more... fun to pet, better to chew.
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I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you're doing.
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I would say my return to my faith is - it's a very personal thing.
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I went to a Catholic University and there's something about being a Catholic-American. You know, St. Patrick's Day is, I'm Irish-Catholic. There's alcoholism in my family. It's like I've got to be Catholic, right?
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I feel guilty if I'm not reading books, but I read scripts of movies or things that I know I'm committed to that I'm going to do the project. I tell myself, "I'm going to read this script like six times," and I only read it the initial time.
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You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."
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I think comedians get too much credit or too much criticism for the style of comedy they do, and they generally do the style of comedy that works for them. [...] There's no kind of shrewd calculation going into the type of standup we all do. It's like David Cross is supposed to be doing the David Cross' type of standup.
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I like to stay in a hotel where it's a dome of silence. I can sit in my room and do nothing.
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The hardest part of the day is all the stuff after I open my eyes in the morning.