Jim Gaffigan Quotes
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You know, I want to teach, but I don’t want to read?
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My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.
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I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing cynicism among all Hoosiers.
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Now the Thanksgiving meal is just so unnecessarily difficult. I mean even mashed potatoes - it's like the most difficult kind of, you know, medieval idea. All right, instead of just cooking them, why don't you spend, like, eight hours peeling them and then we'll have to mash them up. It feels like prison labor, really.
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My wife always asks me why I don't make the bed. And I respond with the same reason why I don't tie my shoes after I take them off.
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It's a balancing act of you feel horrible that you're away but there is something about the road that is rather liberating.
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I was raised in a family where my father was the first one to go to college.
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I know that Colbert could quote Thomas Aquinas and all this, but I'm somebody who, because it's a necessity for me on a personal basis. I need it because I'm a lunatic.
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I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you're doing.
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You ever mix two different groups of friends? That can be stressful. You always feel like you have to prep 'em. You're like, "These people over here, uh, they don't think I drink. And don't be thrown by my British accent."
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If only opening a Vitamin Water could be classified as working out.
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Is there a homeless guy built in to the design of Dunkin' Donuts? ...There'll be an entrance here... a deranged lunatic here.
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Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more... fun to pet, better to chew.
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The hardest part of the day is all the stuff after I open my eyes in the morning.
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A lot of the teachings really kind of keep me grounded.
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I always want my standup act to appeal to everybody in the room, and when I started standup, and I would see people talk about their kids and their wife, and I'd always cringe a little bit, like, 'I can't get a date, I don't know what you're talking about.'
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Why do you have to be out of town to write a postcard? I want a to write a postcard to my neighbor: "I still live near you!" The guy sees me go into my apartment, flips the card over, it's just a picture of me holding a rifle.
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There are a lot of good looking men on this planet. It seems like once a week someone will tell me, "I know someone who looks like you" and I don't know what say to them except, "Tell them hi."
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I would say my return to my faith is - it's a very personal thing.
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For a comedian to kind of catch onto something right as something's catching on in our culture, a lot of it is luck, and you hope the joke is funny.
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I would say some of the food I talk about that I really enjoy, like cake and bacon, I eat a lot less than I portray in my act. But that stuff that I dislike, it's pretty sincere.
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Well my chocolate is so good I could sell it in an obnoxious prism shape.
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Imagine you're drowning, and someone hands you a baby.
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I was still rooting for Notre Dame.It's like there's the cultural Catholic experience.