Jim Gaffigan Quotes
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Do you ever leave a message for somebody and the answering machine cuts you off, and you have to decide whether you should not call back, or call back and appear like a stalker? "Hi. It's me again. I forgot to tell you that I'm going to kill you. Because I'm the freak who keeps calling and calling."
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I think I have a lot of voices in my head and I guess my inner critic is a female.
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If only opening a Vitamin Water could be classified as working out.
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I was raised in a family where my father was the first one to go to college.
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You know, I want to teach, but I don’t want to read?
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I like that in my audiences, there's a lesbian couple sitting next to a Mormon family.
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I know that Colbert could quote Thomas Aquinas and all this, but I'm somebody who, because it's a necessity for me on a personal basis. I need it because I'm a lunatic.
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Now the Thanksgiving meal is just so unnecessarily difficult. I mean even mashed potatoes - it's like the most difficult kind of, you know, medieval idea. All right, instead of just cooking them, why don't you spend, like, eight hours peeling them and then we'll have to mash them up. It feels like prison labor, really.
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You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."
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A lot of the teachings really kind of keep me grounded.
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It's a balancing act of you feel horrible that you're away but there is something about the road that is rather liberating.
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It's difficult to parent one kid, let alone five! It's insane. It's this strange, overwhelming mess that I would not trade for anything. I think it's more difficult in New York City. It's not like we can hop in the minivan and go somewhere. I don't own a car. It's chaos anywhere. Being a parent is difficult. Being a son and a daughter is difficult. It's a human relationship.
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Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more... fun to pet, better to chew.
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I would say some of the food I talk about that I really enjoy, like cake and bacon, I eat a lot less than I portray in my act. But that stuff that I dislike, it's pretty sincere.
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I always want my standup act to appeal to everybody in the room, and when I started standup, and I would see people talk about their kids and their wife, and I'd always cringe a little bit, like, 'I can't get a date, I don't know what you're talking about.'
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Babies should be classified as an antidepressant. It's pretty hard to be in a bad mood around a 5-month-old baby.
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The hardest part of the day is all the stuff after I open my eyes in the morning.
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You ever mix two different groups of friends? That can be stressful. You always feel like you have to prep 'em. You're like, "These people over here, uh, they don't think I drink. And don't be thrown by my British accent."
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Imagine you're drowning, and someone hands you a baby.
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I would say my return to my faith is - it's a very personal thing.
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I think comedians get too much credit or too much criticism for the style of comedy they do, and they generally do the style of comedy that works for them. [...] There's no kind of shrewd calculation going into the type of standup we all do. It's like David Cross is supposed to be doing the David Cross' type of standup.
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I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you're doing.
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Well my chocolate is so good I could sell it in an obnoxious prism shape.
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I was still rooting for Notre Dame.It's like there's the cultural Catholic experience.