- All Quotes
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My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant.'
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Faith is something that's - it's hard to articulate. It's - there's - it's not based on logic.
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I'm there to make people laugh. I'm not trying to come across as sexy.
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I've been doing theaters like the Warner for about a year and we've found the earlier you get the tickets on sale the better idea you get on how many shows we will be doing.
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What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, 'Hey I got an idea: How about we take a Pop-Tart and fill it with really nasty meat? You could cook it in a sleeve thing, and you could dunk it in the toilet.'
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The amount of guilt you deal with as a parent is pretty profound. It's a constant balancing act. I'm an ambitious person, but when I became a father, ambition had a different hold on me. Providing for my kids was important, but the superficial ambition drifted away.
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I do just want to do jokes. I don't want to be a divisive figure.
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I think what Pope Francis is saying is that nobody's perfect, you know? And so someone like Joe Biden, you know, where - you know, when he was running for president, people were - there were some bishops that were like don't let him have the Eucharist. And Pope Francis is saying that's not the point of this.
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My faith kind of keeps me in touch with the idea that I'm not in control of things.
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The DC Improv food is amazingly edible for a comedy club.
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Bacon bits are like the fairy dust of the food community.
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Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?