Jim Gaffigan Quotes
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My goal in life is to be as happy as a studio audience.
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I think when my mother died, it was such a - you know, a shock to the logic that I had been raised with.
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The question is the primary form of communication for little kids.
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I have more pictures of my children than my father ever looked at me.
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It's weird, I love acting and stand-up is a very unique, solitary thing where you are the writer, performer and director. But acting is incredibly rewarding, working and interacting with people to create funny moments. I can't imagine not doing acting or stand-up, I really enjoy both of them that much.
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I'm much more interested in making people laugh than getting applause breaks.
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There has been this belief among the Catholic community - and this - I'm no expert, this is my opinion - that cafeteria Catholics are wrong.
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I was always told that Hoosier came from when settlers in the state, when a stranger came on their property they'd say, "Who's there? Who's there?" So people that were from Indiana were the people that said "Who's there?" But what do I know? I don't read or interact with people outside the Internet.
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Now that I'm married and have two beautiful children, it really makes me appreciate... being alone.
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I think what Pope Francis is saying is that nobody's perfect, you know? And so someone like Joe Biden, you know, where - you know, when he was running for president, people were - there were some bishops that were like don't let him have the Eucharist. And Pope Francis is saying that's not the point of this.
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Even when you hear about a comedian getting married, among comedians, we're always kind of like, what are they doing?
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As an actor, you deal with so much rejection and humiliation. When the good things come around, you tend not to trust your instincts.
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I lived across from a Catholic church for 15 years that I never went into. And then I got married to my wife and - you know, and now we're going in there every other day baptizing a kid.
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There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.
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I'm there to make people laugh. I'm not trying to come across as sexy.
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Some people that work for Hot Pockets came to my Denver Paramount Theater show. They brought these hot pocket boxes the size of suit cases for me to sign. I wrote "these are WMD's" on the boxes. The HP people seem to have a good sense of humor about all of it.
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It took me a long time to understand not to get caught up in other people's expectations. It really comes down to creative fulfillment. It took me a while to realize I don't want to just be on a show to be on a show.
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Nursery schools and bars at 2 a.m. are the only places where it is completely normal if someone just spontaneously throws up on the floor...and just like a toddler, the bar patron wakes up the next day not remembering or caring how they behaved.
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I think that there's part of me that feels like maybe I should have been more social.
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I married a woman who loves to camp, and I am what you would call "indoorsy"... My wife always brings up, "Camping's a tradition in my family." Hey, it was a tradition in everyone's family 'til we came up with the house.
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I reached a point in my life where I didn't really like who I was.I was married to an amazing woman. I had children, and yet there was frustration.
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My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant.'
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I definitely write about things that are universal, that everyone can identify with. You're supposed to write about things you're passionate about and I guess I am a foodie. I do love food and it's kind of like I'm an eccentric observationalist guy. To make it kind of universal, I try a lot of different things. When I first started writing this, I was like, 'No food.' Then, you know, it just always goes there.
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Bacon bits are like the fairy dust of the food community.