Jim Gaffigan Quotes
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Stand-up used to be much more of a form combat. Heckling was much more common [in the '90s]. And I couldn't get stage time, and so I would go out to Pip's in Sheepshead Bay.
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I do want everyone to feel comfortable. That's why I'd like to talk to you about Jesus.
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I've been outed as a Christian.
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I love sleep. I need sleep. We all do, of course. There are those people that don't need sleep. I think they're called 'successful.
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There has been this belief among the Catholic community - and this - I'm no expert, this is my opinion - that cafeteria Catholics are wrong.
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But truly, women are amazing. Think about it this way: a woman can grow a baby inside her body. Then a woman can deliver the baby through her body. Then, by some miracle, a woman can feed a baby with her body. When you compare that to the male’s contribution to life, it’s kind of embarrassing, really.
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Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John.
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I would make sweet love to Don Rickles.
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Babies, they learn how to walk and they are already trying to run away. You can't reach the doorknob, you only know us, think it through.
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For stand-up comedians that go onstage and get to write and perform and direct, and do all these things, the allure of a television show is still there but if it doesn't offer a level of creative fulfillment, it's oddly unappealing.
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I don't want to pick a team. I want to make people laugh and hopefully bring some - be humorous about the human experience, you know, whether they're people of any stripes of life.
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When you have five little kids, you're not going to open Mindy Kaling's latest book. You're playing with your kids.
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Stand-up is so rewarding, and I enjoy the acting opportunities I've had, but the only time I really feel bad is when I feel like I have this manufactured belief that I should be doing something else or there should be some type of recognition. On an intellectual level, I know it's stupid.
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There's a certain balance between finding an opportunity to do what you really enjoy and getting caught up in the flattery of people wanting you to do things.
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How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.
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Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant.
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My goal in life is to be as happy as a studio audience.
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I really don't care about birthdays. It's something where even as a kid, I never really felt comfortable when someone would sing to me.
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I don't know if I'm the husky guy, but I'm the sexy guy who's a good kisser .
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Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, someone's drunk in the kitchen.
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Sometimes being lazy can get you in trouble. You ever not take a shower all weekend, just lounge around, then you're running late for work on Monday? There's always one person at work: "Something smells like smoke in here!" "Uh, I went to a barbeque on Friday night. Only had 48 hours to take a shower. Busy."
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We tend to outdo ourselves.
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What's amazing about doing movies, compared to television, there's an ending you can see. There's an enthusiasm to it.
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It's kind of hard to articulate, but, like, this notion of mercy, forgiveness, was very appealing for me. It was very profound. And it had a deep impact, and I think it still does.