Jim Gaffigan Quotes
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Whenever you go out to eat you gotta get the appetizer. 'Cause the appetizer's just an excuse for an extra meal. You're always like "Lets see, I will start with the 80 buffalo wings...and do you have a low-cal blue cheese? 'Cause I don't wanna fill up too much."
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Don't get caught up in other people's expectations. Don't take anything for granted, either.
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Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, someone's drunk in the kitchen.
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I never have free time, I don't know about you. You ever go to the cash machine, there's two people in line in front of you and you get kinda flustered, you're like "Forget it! I'm not standing here for 40 seconds. I got things to do, okay?"
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I didn't realize how much of a Hoosier or a Midwesterner I was until I moved to New York. It's weird - growing up in Indiana, I wanted to get out, and now I completely romanticize Indiana. It just seems like there's a greater focus on family back there, which I suppose is something that kind of stayed with me.
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What kind of life are you leading where you consider ketchup fancy? "Well, we ain't rich folk, but on special occasions, I'll break out the ketchup. Grandma's birthday, make her feel special"
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Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John.
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I've had plenty of friends tell me that their first time doing stand-up, they do well, and then they tank for a while after that. Kind of like the first time you do a drug, you're like, "Huh! This is pretty darn good," and then you spend all your money trying to get the same high.
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I grew up in Sheepshead Bay.
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I don't want to pick a team. I want to make people laugh and hopefully bring some - be humorous about the human experience, you know, whether they're people of any stripes of life.
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Whenever one of my children says, 'Goodnight, Daddy,' I always think to myself, 'You don't mean that.
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The Pearly Gates. Am I the only one who finds it odd that Heaven has gates? What kind of neighborhood is Heaven in?
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I wouldn't say that comedy brought me away from it.I think that my idea of faith was another obligation in my life.
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There were times in my life when I had one thing to do all day, but I still couldn’t get to it. “I gotta go to the post office, but I’d probably have to put on pants. And they’re only open till five. Looks like I’m going to have to do that next week.
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You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don't even read it! "Hey I got a - who cares."
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Wouldn't it have been weird to go to high school with the Pope? You know, somebody did, someone's sitting at home, watching TV in Poland, they see the Pope, they think, "That guy was a jerk! He was so mean to me and now he's Pope? I got a swirly from the Pope!"
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There was [ in New York] - some of it was this perception of the Midwest that I realized in this multicultural city that - and I don't think it's as true as it was - but everyone was kind of like, what, are you Jewish? Are you Italian? What are you? You know, are you black? Are you da-da-da? Are you Puerto Rican? And so I ended up - my ethnic identity was Midwestern, was white bread. And so it informed a lot of my stand-up.
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Hey, people who travel with their bed pillow. You look insane.
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Without Valentine's Day, February would be... well, January.
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I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic, I'm nothing. Because if you're Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, 'He's got a Latin temper!' If you're a white guy and you get angry, people are like, 'That guy's a jerk.'
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You could say that to the pope. I want to talk to you about Jesus. He'd be like, easy, freak.
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Stand-up is an amazing art form, I think, because it's all about you having complete control of the situation, but absolutely none.
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When I started stand-up - and this is in the '90s - there was definitely people hadn't watched decades of Comedy Central, where people are really much more educated on stand-up comedy.
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When our bed is made, it's covered in 40 pillows-like we're stockpiling ammo for the global pillow fight.