Jim Gaffigan Quotes
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What's amazing about doing movies, compared to television, there's an ending you can see. There's an enthusiasm to it.
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In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple kids, it's been a gift in a way. It's keeping the priorities straighter.
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When I'm in touch with the idea that there is a higher power and that there is, you know, other factors at work, it - it kind of quells my narcissism.
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That's my private business. Besides, the perception is that people that believe in God are stupid.
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Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant.
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Thanksgiving is the most complicated meal you can think of. Every night, dinner is just pasta. It's just different shapes of pasta.
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Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn't that the best?
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Sometimes being lazy can get you in trouble. You ever not take a shower all weekend, just lounge around, then you're running late for work on Monday? There's always one person at work: "Something smells like smoke in here!" "Uh, I went to a barbeque on Friday night. Only had 48 hours to take a shower. Busy."
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The Thanksgiving tradition is, we gorge. Hey, what about at Thanksgiving we simply consume a considerable measure? However we do that consistently! Goodness. Imagine a scenario where we consume a ton with individuals who pester the heck out of us.
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I never went to church when I was in college, either.
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Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers.
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Babies, they learn how to walk and they are already trying to run away. You can't reach the doorknob, you only know us, think it through.
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Holidays are also an opportunity for kids to unlearn every good habit they've learned during the rest of the year. They don't go to school. They get to stay up past their bedtime. They get candy and presents for doing nothing. Childhood utopia.
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I would say that now I'm somebody who goes to church.
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But truly, women are amazing. Think about it this way: a woman can grow a baby inside her body. Then a woman can deliver the baby through her body. Then, by some miracle, a woman can feed a baby with her body. When you compare that to the male’s contribution to life, it’s kind of embarrassing, really.
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How about those people who don't need sleep? What are they called again? Successful? What a bunch of dicks they are.
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I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this.
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I've been outed as a Christian.
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Some of my fear and anxieties surrounding faith, I think, provides some good comedy for my act.
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My comedy is romanticized laziness.
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You ever buy a book and not read it? You feel almost guilty having it up on a bookshelf. People are like, "Hey, how's that book?" "I haven't read it." "Oh, did you just buy it?" "I've had it since high school." "Well, can I borrow it?" "No."
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You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like, you pick up your mail, you go in your house, you realize you have a letter for a neighbor. You ever just look at the letter and go "Hm. Looks like they're never getting this. It'll take too much energy to go back outside. I'm gonna get that to them later on. Right now I gotta watch some 'Love Connection.' They got some new host on there."
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I really don't care about birthdays. It's something where even as a kid, I never really felt comfortable when someone would sing to me.
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Every morning I hear the alarm, it's like "BEEP BEEP BEEP" For second I'm like, "I could get used to that, just dream I'm in a techno club, or something."