Jim Gaffigan Quotes
- All Quotes
-
I come from a very big family. Nine parents.
-
I do kind of aspire to do comedy that appeals to a wide range of audiences and doesn't divide people. I never want to do material that makes people laugh at the expense of making other people feel bad - not to say I'm not guilty of that at times. ... I try and make humor out of the really important issues of the day, like Hot Pockets and elevators and not wanting to get out of bed.
-
Without Valentine's Day, February would be... well, January.
-
I grew up in Sheepshead Bay.
-
Stand-up is an amazing art form, I think, because it's all about you having complete control of the situation, but absolutely none.
-
I've been outed as a Christian.
-
Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn't that the best?
-
Boutique hotels are great, but they get too cute. Some hotels have shoe polish. It's like, come on, this isn't 1960. No one's polishing their shoes.
-
Raising kids may be a thankless job with ridiculous hours, but at least the pay sucks.
-
Don't you expect a rainbow coming out of the tub of bacon strips at the end of the buffet line?
-
I don't want to pick a team. I want to make people laugh and hopefully bring some - be humorous about the human experience, you know, whether they're people of any stripes of life.
-
In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple kids, it's been a gift in a way. It's keeping the priorities straighter.
-
I've had plenty of friends tell me that their first time doing stand-up, they do well, and then they tank for a while after that. Kind of like the first time you do a drug, you're like, "Huh! This is pretty darn good," and then you spend all your money trying to get the same high.
-
My wife always asks me why I don't make the bed. And I respond with the same reason why I don't tie my shoes after I take them off.
-
There were times in my life when I had one thing to do all day, but I still couldn’t get to it. “I gotta go to the post office, but I’d probably have to put on pants. And they’re only open till five. Looks like I’m going to have to do that next week.
-
I was able to make the jump to theaters without having a TV show. My passion for getting a TV show just plummeted. It was like I had already achieved what I wanted to achieve.
-
For stand-up comedians that go onstage and get to write and perform and direct, and do all these things, the allure of a television show is still there but if it doesn't offer a level of creative fulfillment, it's oddly unappealing.
-
One thing I'm afraid of is not taking advantage of opportunities. I feel like these are kind of gifts.
-
I do want everyone to feel comfortable. That's why I'd like to talk to you about Jesus.
-
I was the youngest of the six kids, and to make my older siblings laugh, that was very important. I did a great impression of our dad that made them all laugh, so that gave me a lot of power within the family.
-
I don't know if I'm the husky guy, but I'm the sexy guy who's a good kisser .
-
Babies, they learn how to walk and they are already trying to run away. You can't reach the doorknob, you only know us, think it through.
-
But truly, women are amazing. Think about it this way: a woman can grow a baby inside her body. Then a woman can deliver the baby through her body. Then, by some miracle, a woman can feed a baby with her body. When you compare that to the male’s contribution to life, it’s kind of embarrassing, really.
-
"I got up early because I wanted to." - Nobody