Jim Gaffigan Quotes
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You don't use mayonnaise, why? ... Are you addicted to mayonnaise? Is it okay if I use mayonnaise? I could go outside.
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The real question is should we trust people who don't like cheese?
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I liked the idea that my character was not gonna be the typical dumb guy that I play, typically. I also loved the fact that it was dealing with kind of adult-extended adolescence, which I think is always interesting - a bunch of people that don't wanna grow up.
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My whole comic persona is that of a guy who explores the id: I romanticize gluttony, I romanticize laziness, and people identify with that.
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Comedians rarely have writers, and if you do it's usually a sign of laziness.
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I always had this romantic notion of living in New York. I just felt like, everyone could be different and weird and whatever they are in New York.
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They always give you three ketchup packets. When you go back up and ask for more, the guy handing them out always treats you like you're taking from his personal stash. "Looks like my kids aren't having ketchup tonight."
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There should be a children's song: 'If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep'.
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Jesus if you could cure our son's blindness that'd be great... And we'd love some shelves over there.
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I'd have to say Sunset Salsa. Nothing against Honey Lime, but it's for losers.
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I got married. My wife changed her name. I know some women have a problem with that. But I wanted her to have my old girlfriend's name. So call me old-fashioned, but this fella does what the Bible tells.
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You think when gym teachers were younger, they're thinking, "You know, I want to teach...but I don't want to read. How about kickball for 40 years?"
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I'm definitely hesitant wearing shorts during the summer. Like for a pale person, you know, summer - everyone in the world is so excited for summer, but pale people, we're just like, oh no.
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I need the concept of mercy for me to have some semblance of self-admiration. So in real life, I'm probably somebody who is more devout.
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You ever read an article, and at the bottom, it says, 'Continued on page six'? I'm , 'Not for me. I'm done.'
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We wrote about having five kids and bringing them to church. A journalist at The Washington Post wrote this article where the headline was "The New Catholic Evangelism Of Jim Gaffigan." And it was a bit terrifying.
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The idea of being a practicing Catholic, it's - for me, it's like - I need a lot of practice, you know what I mean?
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Most single guys I know think fatherhood is terrifying.
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Be more assertive with what you want to do.
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I think it's important to control your opportunities, because in the entertainment world, it's not up to you. I'm not sitting here under this naive belief that someone in Hollywood is going, "Gaffigan! What kind of a show can I build around him?" So you have to find things that can showcase your point of view.
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You think Jesus ever tried to talk God out of some of that stuff? 'Instead of that whole crucifixion, how about we do a big fundraiser!'
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You can never find the right bowling ball. This one's too heavy. This one's good but its pink!
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Most of my material is , it doesn't necessarily involve a lot of editing. So even the show with the World Meeting of Families in Philadelphia, I don't have to worry about some of the material being inappropriate.
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Playing frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to chasing after a frisbee.