Jim Gaffigan Quotes
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There should be a children's song: 'If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep'.
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Twitter allowed me to talk about parenting in short snippets and find out what I really wanted to say about it, which is that I'm a dad who had no idea what he's doing.
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You can never find the right bowling ball. This one's too heavy. This one's good but its pink!
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I left the Midwest thinking I didn't fit in. But when I got to New York, I realized how truly Midwestern I was.
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The idea of being a practicing Catholic, it's - for me, it's like - I need a lot of practice, you know what I mean?
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After you eat a Hot Pocket, Everything will taste like rubber for a month!
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Be more assertive with what you want to do.
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I spent most of my adult life essentially agnostic or an atheist.
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Bacon is like the opposite of medicine. It's like, "Take that, Lipitor."
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That's not to say that I'm a well-informed Catholic. I'm still in idiot.
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They always give you three ketchup packets. When you go back up and ask for more, the guy handing them out always treats you like you're taking from his personal stash. "Looks like my kids aren't having ketchup tonight."
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I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana - mafia.
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I liked the idea that my character was not gonna be the typical dumb guy that I play, typically. I also loved the fact that it was dealing with kind of adult-extended adolescence, which I think is always interesting - a bunch of people that don't wanna grow up.
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I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin.
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Jesus if you could cure our son's blindness that'd be great... And we'd love some shelves over there.
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Playing frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to chasing after a frisbee.
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The entertainment business is such a strange, crazy perception business that you're either given way too much respect, like people saying, "You should be the head of the sitcom!" Or you're given no respect, where they're like, "You should audition to be the garbage man that lives four houses down."
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Ireland is a place that's beautiful and interesting, but I remember when I went there as a teenager with my parents, I was like, "Okay, I'll go to Ireland with my parents. It's going to be green." I think people underestimate it, in that it's, "Oh, it's green," and then you get there, and it's like, "Wow, it is green!" It's, "Oh, there's Irish music," and then you get there, and you're like, "Oh, this Irish music is amazing!" You underestimate it.
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I'm a weirdo that goes on stage to make strangers laugh, but if I wasn't working, I would just want to be with my wife and kids. I don't even think I'd want to go out to dinner.
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Most single guys I know think fatherhood is terrifying.
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I like to think of bread as really bland cake.
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Babies should be classified as an antidepressant. It's pretty hard to be in a bad mood around a 5-month-old baby.
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There are a lot of good looking men on this planet. It seems like once a week someone will tell me, "I know someone who looks like you" and I don't know what say to them except, "Tell them hi."
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I don't curse on stage, but I feel like I curse more because I have kids and in front of my kids. Not intentionally.