Jim Gaffigan Quotes
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There should be a children's song: 'If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep'.
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Comedians rarely have writers, and if you do it's usually a sign of laziness.
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Ireland is a place that's beautiful and interesting, but I remember when I went there as a teenager with my parents, I was like, "Okay, I'll go to Ireland with my parents. It's going to be green." I think people underestimate it, in that it's, "Oh, it's green," and then you get there, and it's like, "Wow, it is green!" It's, "Oh, there's Irish music," and then you get there, and you're like, "Oh, this Irish music is amazing!" You underestimate it.
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You can never find the right bowling ball. This one's too heavy. This one's good but its pink!
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They always give you three ketchup packets. When you go back up and ask for more, the guy handing them out always treats you like you're taking from his personal stash. "Looks like my kids aren't having ketchup tonight."
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Be more assertive with what you want to do.
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Gyms are always packed. The only machine available is the one that simulates the gynecological exam. You know, the Sharon Stone machine.
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I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana - mafia.
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I know that Colbert could quote Thomas Aquinas and all this, but I'm somebody who, because it's a necessity for me on a personal basis. I need it because I'm a lunatic.
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I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin.
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The idea of being a practicing Catholic, it's - for me, it's like - I need a lot of practice, you know what I mean?
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Jesus if you could cure our son's blindness that'd be great... And we'd love some shelves over there.
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I left the Midwest thinking I didn't fit in. But when I got to New York, I realized how truly Midwestern I was.
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I spent most of my adult life essentially agnostic or an atheist.
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I'm a weirdo that goes on stage to make strangers laugh, but if I wasn't working, I would just want to be with my wife and kids. I don't even think I'd want to go out to dinner.
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Bacon is like the opposite of medicine. It's like, "Take that, Lipitor."
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You know what it's like having five kids? Imagine you're drowning. And someone hands you a baby.
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You think Jesus ever tried to talk God out of some of that stuff? 'Instead of that whole crucifixion, how about we do a big fundraiser!'
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It's good to be back in New York. I have lived here ten years. I'm originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana: Mafia. But the fact of the matter is where I grew up there was something very similar to the Mafia: 4-H.
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Playing frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to chasing after a frisbee.
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I love my career, but I feel like you've got to babysit a lot of aspects of things. Assuming that things will be handled properly is just naive. But I think that's anyone's life, right? Even if you're running a construction site, it doesn't matter if you've been doing it for 20 years, you're still going to be blindsided by someone's incompetence or indifference.
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I liked the idea that my character was not gonna be the typical dumb guy that I play, typically. I also loved the fact that it was dealing with kind of adult-extended adolescence, which I think is always interesting - a bunch of people that don't wanna grow up.
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I'd have to say Sunset Salsa. Nothing against Honey Lime, but it's for losers.
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The entertainment business is such a strange, crazy perception business that you're either given way too much respect, like people saying, "You should be the head of the sitcom!" Or you're given no respect, where they're like, "You should audition to be the garbage man that lives four houses down."