- All Quotes
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Most single guys I know think fatherhood is terrifying.
Jim Gaffigan -
Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: 'This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye.'
Jim Gaffigan
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I got married. My wife changed her name. I know some women have a problem with that. But I wanted her to have my old girlfriend's name. So call me old-fashioned, but this fella does what the Bible tells.
Jim Gaffigan -
Gyms are always packed. The only machine available is the one that simulates the gynecological exam. You know, the Sharon Stone machine.
Jim Gaffigan -
We’re never satisfied when it comes to food. ‘You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich. Instead of a bun, let’s use two donuts. That way we can have it for breakfast. Look out McGriddle. Here comes the donut-ham-hamburger!’
Jim Gaffigan -
I always had this romantic notion of living in New York. I just felt like, everyone could be different and weird and whatever they are in New York.
Jim Gaffigan -
I'm definitely hesitant wearing shorts during the summer. Like for a pale person, you know, summer - everyone in the world is so excited for summer, but pale people, we're just like, oh no.
Jim Gaffigan -
There are a lot of good looking men on this planet. It seems like once a week someone will tell me, "I know someone who looks like you" and I don't know what say to them except, "Tell them hi."
Jim Gaffigan
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You know what it's like having five kids? Imagine you're drowning. And someone hands you a baby.
Jim Gaffigan -
I like to think of bread as really bland cake.
Jim Gaffigan -
You don't use mayonnaise, why? ... Are you addicted to mayonnaise? Is it okay if I use mayonnaise? I could go outside.
Jim Gaffigan -
I'm from Indiana. I know what you're thinking, Indiana... Mafia. But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big' it's more like 'We're from Indiana and we're gonna move.'
Jim Gaffigan -
Really, there are two types of people who go bowling. There are people who really, really love bowling. Then there are the people that are like: wouldnt it be hysterical if we went bowling?
Jim Gaffigan -
My whole comic persona is that of a guy who explores the id: I romanticize gluttony, I romanticize laziness, and people identify with that.
Jim Gaffigan
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Imagine you're drowning, and someone hands you a baby.
Jim Gaffigan -
I was still rooting for Notre Dame.It's like there's the cultural Catholic experience.
Jim Gaffigan -
Other people's children's birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend.
Jim Gaffigan -
Be more assertive with what you want to do.
Jim Gaffigan -
Kale is a superfood and it’s special power is tasting bad.
Jim Gaffigan -
I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing cynicism among all Hoosiers.
Jim Gaffigan
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I've always wanted to be an actor. I've never planned on the acting and the stand-up feeding each other; they've always been separate desires.
Jim Gaffigan -
A lot of the teachings really kind of keep me grounded.
Jim Gaffigan -
Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent.
Jim Gaffigan -
I don't curse on stage, but I feel like I curse more because I have kids and in front of my kids. Not intentionally.
Jim Gaffigan