Jim Gaffigan Quotes
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My wife and I, we work together. And we wrote this book, "Dad Is Fat." And in the book, I was encouraged constantly by my editor to be more personal and talk about more personal experiences.
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Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent.
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Some fast food places, they have that ketchup pump. It's like a keg. They give you the paper shot glass. I always like to hang around there, try and meet the ladies. "Here, I'll pump for you. You come to this Wendy's often? My roommate and I, we got a pony pump back at my dorm. Here's an extra shot "
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I think stand-up comedy is this - it's this kind of indulgence and narcissism.
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That's why when I send a postcard I quiz people. "Hey, did you get that postcard?" "Yeah, yeah yeah." "Well what'd I say?" "Uh, you were havin-" "I was in jail"
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I used to have to do readings in church, and it was terrifying. I would never have my glasses. The words are printed so small even Superman would be nervous. And you’re reading from the Bible. It’s not like you can just make something up and improvise. “A reading from the letter of Saint Paul to the Corinthians. Uhhh. Dear Corinthians, … How was your weekend? Sure is hot here. Uh, tell Jesus ‘Hey.’ This is the word of the Lord.
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I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators. Stand-up comedy is very much a conversation. It's very personal, stylistically.
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Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic.
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I grew up in a Catholic family in the Midwest. And I knew people of different faiths and people that were atheists and people that were agnostic.
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I'm bald, blind and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene.
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I always had this romantic notion of living in New York. I just felt like, everyone could be different and weird and whatever they are in New York.
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You don't use mayonnaise, why? ... Are you addicted to mayonnaise? Is it okay if I use mayonnaise? I could go outside.
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You ever read an article, and at the bottom, it says, 'Continued on page six'? I'm , 'Not for me. I'm done.'
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Deep frying a Twinkie makes it healthy, right?
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I got married. My wife changed her name. I know some women have a problem with that. But I wanted her to have my old girlfriend's name. So call me old-fashioned, but this fella does what the Bible tells.
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We wrote about having five kids and bringing them to church. A journalist at The Washington Post wrote this article where the headline was "The New Catholic Evangelism Of Jim Gaffigan." And it was a bit terrifying.
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Twitter allowed me to talk about parenting in short snippets and find out what I really wanted to say about it, which is that I'm a dad who had no idea what he's doing.
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When you hear bacon cooking....that sizzling sound isn't the fat cooking....that's applause.
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My whole comic persona is that of a guy who explores the id: I romanticize gluttony, I romanticize laziness, and people identify with that.
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The real question is should we trust people who don't like cheese?
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I'm definitely hesitant wearing shorts during the summer. Like for a pale person, you know, summer - everyone in the world is so excited for summer, but pale people, we're just like, oh no.
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Comedians rarely have writers, and if you do it's usually a sign of laziness.
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After you eat a Hot Pocket, Everything will taste like rubber for a month!
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There should be a children's song: 'If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep'.