Jim Gaffigan Quotes
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Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic.
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You can never find the right bowling ball. This one's too heavy. This one's good but its pink!
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You think Jesus ever tried to talk God out of some of that stuff? 'Instead of that whole crucifixion, how about we do a big fundraiser!'
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That's why when I send a postcard I quiz people. "Hey, did you get that postcard?" "Yeah, yeah yeah." "Well what'd I say?" "Uh, you were havin-" "I was in jail"
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When you hear bacon cooking....that sizzling sound isn't the fat cooking....that's applause.
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Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent.
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There should be a children's song: 'If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep'.
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For me, stand-up comedy is a conversation between me and the audience. I have to keep them listening. When I'm making jokes about cake for twenty minutes, I have to make sure my audience is interested and following where I'm going.
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I didn't choose to be the guy who talks about the mundane - it's just who I am and it's what kind of works for me.
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I'm definitely hesitant wearing shorts during the summer. Like for a pale person, you know, summer - everyone in the world is so excited for summer, but pale people, we're just like, oh no.
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Most single guys I know think fatherhood is terrifying.
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There's something that's really fun about the challenge of making the mundane funny, too, I think.
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You don't use mayonnaise, why? ... Are you addicted to mayonnaise? Is it okay if I use mayonnaise? I could go outside.
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I was still rooting for Notre Dame.It's like there's the cultural Catholic experience.
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Kale is a superfood and it’s special power is tasting bad.
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Babies should be classified as an antidepressant. It's pretty hard to be in a bad mood around a 5-month-old baby.
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I got married. My wife changed her name. I know some women have a problem with that. But I wanted her to have my old girlfriend's name. So call me old-fashioned, but this fella does what the Bible tells.
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I've always wanted to be an actor. I've never planned on the acting and the stand-up feeding each other; they've always been separate desires.
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Imagine you're drowning, and someone hands you a baby.
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That's not to say that I'm a well-informed Catholic. I'm still in idiot.
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I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators. Stand-up comedy is very much a conversation. It's very personal, stylistically.
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A lot of the teachings really kind of keep me grounded.
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I spent most of my adult life essentially agnostic or an atheist.
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It's good to be back in New York. I have lived here ten years. I'm originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana: Mafia. But the fact of the matter is where I grew up there was something very similar to the Mafia: 4-H.