Jim Gaffigan Quotes
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There's something that's really fun about the challenge of making the mundane funny, too, I think.
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Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: 'This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye.'
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Some fast food places, they have that ketchup pump. It's like a keg. They give you the paper shot glass. I always like to hang around there, try and meet the ladies. "Here, I'll pump for you. You come to this Wendy's often? My roommate and I, we got a pony pump back at my dorm. Here's an extra shot "
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Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent.
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When you hear bacon cooking....that sizzling sound isn't the fat cooking....that's applause.
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I think being a doctor is really hard, and it's really this thankless, never-ending job. It's not even that you get done with a project. There are always sick people.
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Bacon is like the opposite of medicine. It's like, "Take that, Lipitor."
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Gyms are always packed. The only machine available is the one that simulates the gynecological exam. You know, the Sharon Stone machine.
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I spent most of my adult life essentially agnostic or an atheist.
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Ireland is a place that's beautiful and interesting, but I remember when I went there as a teenager with my parents, I was like, "Okay, I'll go to Ireland with my parents. It's going to be green." I think people underestimate it, in that it's, "Oh, it's green," and then you get there, and it's like, "Wow, it is green!" It's, "Oh, there's Irish music," and then you get there, and you're like, "Oh, this Irish music is amazing!" You underestimate it.
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I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but I have a rough idea what's in water.
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I think stand-up comedy is this - it's this kind of indulgence and narcissism.
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I'd have to say Sunset Salsa. Nothing against Honey Lime, but it's for losers.
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That's why when I send a postcard I quiz people. "Hey, did you get that postcard?" "Yeah, yeah yeah." "Well what'd I say?" "Uh, you were havin-" "I was in jail"
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I recently bought extreme chunky peanut butter. I opened it up.. .it was just peanuts. Wow that is extreme!
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I left the Midwest thinking I didn't fit in. But when I got to New York, I realized how truly Midwestern I was.
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My childhood best friend is an anesthesiologist. It's the least amount of human interaction for a doctor. I don't think you can get that burned out on it.
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Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic.
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I used to have to do readings in church, and it was terrifying. I would never have my glasses. The words are printed so small even Superman would be nervous. And you’re reading from the Bible. It’s not like you can just make something up and improvise. “A reading from the letter of Saint Paul to the Corinthians. Uhhh. Dear Corinthians, … How was your weekend? Sure is hot here. Uh, tell Jesus ‘Hey.’ This is the word of the Lord.
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You know what it's like having five kids? Imagine you're drowning. And someone hands you a baby.
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That's not to say that I'm a well-informed Catholic. I'm still in idiot.
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I think it's important to control your opportunities, because in the entertainment world, it's not up to you. I'm not sitting here under this naive belief that someone in Hollywood is going, "Gaffigan! What kind of a show can I build around him?" So you have to find things that can showcase your point of view.
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Deep frying a Twinkie makes it healthy, right?
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For me, stand-up comedy is a conversation between me and the audience. I have to keep them listening. When I'm making jokes about cake for twenty minutes, I have to make sure my audience is interested and following where I'm going.