Jim Gaffigan Quotes
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Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent.
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I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but I have a rough idea what's in water.
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I didn't choose to be the guy who talks about the mundane - it's just who I am and it's what kind of works for me.
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There's something about being a parent that has, I think, made me a better comedian.
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I think stand-up comedy is this - it's this kind of indulgence and narcissism.
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I think being a doctor is really hard, and it's really this thankless, never-ending job. It's not even that you get done with a project. There are always sick people.
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I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin.
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Gyms are always packed. The only machine available is the one that simulates the gynecological exam. You know, the Sharon Stone machine.
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After you eat a Hot Pocket, Everything will taste like rubber for a month!
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Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic.
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I recently bought extreme chunky peanut butter. I opened it up.. .it was just peanuts. Wow that is extreme!
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I spent most of my adult life essentially agnostic or an atheist.
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When you hear bacon cooking....that sizzling sound isn't the fat cooking....that's applause.
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That's not to say that I'm a well-informed Catholic. I'm still in idiot.
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I used to have to do readings in church, and it was terrifying. I would never have my glasses. The words are printed so small even Superman would be nervous. And you’re reading from the Bible. It’s not like you can just make something up and improvise. “A reading from the letter of Saint Paul to the Corinthians. Uhhh. Dear Corinthians, … How was your weekend? Sure is hot here. Uh, tell Jesus ‘Hey.’ This is the word of the Lord.
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I left the Midwest thinking I didn't fit in. But when I got to New York, I realized how truly Midwestern I was.
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I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana - mafia.
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You know what it's like having five kids? Imagine you're drowning. And someone hands you a baby.
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Ireland is a place that's beautiful and interesting, but I remember when I went there as a teenager with my parents, I was like, "Okay, I'll go to Ireland with my parents. It's going to be green." I think people underestimate it, in that it's, "Oh, it's green," and then you get there, and it's like, "Wow, it is green!" It's, "Oh, there's Irish music," and then you get there, and you're like, "Oh, this Irish music is amazing!" You underestimate it.
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Deep frying a Twinkie makes it healthy, right?
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That's why when I send a postcard I quiz people. "Hey, did you get that postcard?" "Yeah, yeah yeah." "Well what'd I say?" "Uh, you were havin-" "I was in jail"
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For me, stand-up comedy is a conversation between me and the audience. I have to keep them listening. When I'm making jokes about cake for twenty minutes, I have to make sure my audience is interested and following where I'm going.
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I curse in everyday life, but usually when I stub my toe. The topics I'm discussing, it's not necessary to curse. I found [cursing] is a sign that a joke is not finished or well-written.
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I'd have to say Sunset Salsa. Nothing against Honey Lime, but it's for losers.