Jim Gaffigan Quotes
- All Quotes
-
Gyms are always packed. The only machine available is the one that simulates the gynecological exam. You know, the Sharon Stone machine.
-
There's something that's really fun about the challenge of making the mundane funny, too, I think.
-
You think Jesus ever tried to talk God out of some of that stuff? 'Instead of that whole crucifixion, how about we do a big fundraiser!'
-
Babies should be classified as an antidepressant. It's pretty hard to be in a bad mood around a 5-month-old baby.
-
Kale is a superfood and it’s special power is tasting bad.
-
Most single guys I know think fatherhood is terrifying.
-
Other people's children's birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend.
-
I always had this romantic notion of living in New York. I just felt like, everyone could be different and weird and whatever they are in New York.
-
Comedians rarely have writers, and if you do it's usually a sign of laziness.
-
I got married. My wife changed her name. I know some women have a problem with that. But I wanted her to have my old girlfriend's name. So call me old-fashioned, but this fella does what the Bible tells.
-
Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic.
-
That's not to say that I'm a well-informed Catholic. I'm still in idiot.
-
There should be a children's song: 'If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep'.
-
I didn't choose to be the guy who talks about the mundane - it's just who I am and it's what kind of works for me.
-
We’re never satisfied when it comes to food. ‘You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich. Instead of a bun, let’s use two donuts. That way we can have it for breakfast. Look out McGriddle. Here comes the donut-ham-hamburger!’
-
I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators. Stand-up comedy is very much a conversation. It's very personal, stylistically.
-
Imagine you're drowning, and someone hands you a baby.
-
There are a lot of good looking men on this planet. It seems like once a week someone will tell me, "I know someone who looks like you" and I don't know what say to them except, "Tell them hi."
-
My whole comic persona is that of a guy who explores the id: I romanticize gluttony, I romanticize laziness, and people identify with that.
-
Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent.
-
Be more assertive with what you want to do.
-
I like to think of bread as really bland cake.
-
I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing cynicism among all Hoosiers.
-
I spent most of my adult life essentially agnostic or an atheist.