Jim Gaffigan Quotes
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I'm definitely hesitant wearing shorts during the summer. Like for a pale person, you know, summer - everyone in the world is so excited for summer, but pale people, we're just like, oh no.
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I always had this romantic notion of living in New York. I just felt like, everyone could be different and weird and whatever they are in New York.
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They always give you three ketchup packets. When you go back up and ask for more, the guy handing them out always treats you like you're taking from his personal stash. "Looks like my kids aren't having ketchup tonight."
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I've always wanted to be an actor. I've never planned on the acting and the stand-up feeding each other; they've always been separate desires.
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Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent.
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You think Jesus ever tried to talk God out of some of that stuff? 'Instead of that whole crucifixion, how about we do a big fundraiser!'
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Comedians rarely have writers, and if you do it's usually a sign of laziness.
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I got married. My wife changed her name. I know some women have a problem with that. But I wanted her to have my old girlfriend's name. So call me old-fashioned, but this fella does what the Bible tells.
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You don't use mayonnaise, why? ... Are you addicted to mayonnaise? Is it okay if I use mayonnaise? I could go outside.
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I left the Midwest thinking I didn't fit in. But when I got to New York, I realized how truly Midwestern I was.
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There's something that's really fun about the challenge of making the mundane funny, too, I think.
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Most single guys I know think fatherhood is terrifying.
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If someone picks up one thing you've written, you want them to go, 'Wow, this is pretty good.'
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Kale is a superfood and it’s special power is tasting bad.
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When you hear bacon cooking....that sizzling sound isn't the fat cooking....that's applause.
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Babies should be classified as an antidepressant. It's pretty hard to be in a bad mood around a 5-month-old baby.
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You can never find the right bowling ball. This one's too heavy. This one's good but its pink!
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I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators. Stand-up comedy is very much a conversation. It's very personal, stylistically.
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It's good to be back in New York. I have lived here ten years. I'm originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana: Mafia. But the fact of the matter is where I grew up there was something very similar to the Mafia: 4-H.
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I was still rooting for Notre Dame.It's like there's the cultural Catholic experience.
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I realized, in removing or rewriting these jokes, that often the jokes weren't done or that I was using, for me, the curse words as kind of a crutch. So then I just started writing.
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I used to have to do readings in church, and it was terrifying. I would never have my glasses. The words are printed so small even Superman would be nervous. And you’re reading from the Bible. It’s not like you can just make something up and improvise. “A reading from the letter of Saint Paul to the Corinthians. Uhhh. Dear Corinthians, … How was your weekend? Sure is hot here. Uh, tell Jesus ‘Hey.’ This is the word of the Lord.
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That's not to say that I'm a well-informed Catholic. I'm still in idiot.
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We wrote about having five kids and bringing them to church. A journalist at The Washington Post wrote this article where the headline was "The New Catholic Evangelism Of Jim Gaffigan." And it was a bit terrifying.