- All Quotes
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You ever read an article, and at the bottom, it says, 'Continued on page six'? I'm , 'Not for me. I'm done.'
Jim Gaffigan -
I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there. "All right, I'm standing in front of a room full of strangers. Based on what I learned in gym class, I will throw a red ball at a fat guy."
Jim Gaffigan
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Babies should be classified as an antidepressant. It's pretty hard to be in a bad mood around a 5-month-old baby.
Jim Gaffigan -
What exactly are the ingredients of Ranch dressing? Mayo and disappointment?
Jim Gaffigan -
I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but I have a rough idea what's in water.
Jim Gaffigan -
They always give you three ketchup packets. When you go back up and ask for more, the guy handing them out always treats you like you're taking from his personal stash. "Looks like my kids aren't having ketchup tonight."
Jim Gaffigan -
My wife told me that in the Bible, Abraham circumcised himself... wow! I can't even get to the bank before it closes.
Jim Gaffigan -
I left the Midwest thinking I didn't fit in. But when I got to New York, I realized how truly Midwestern I was.
Jim Gaffigan
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There's something that's really fun about the challenge of making the mundane funny, too, I think.
Jim Gaffigan -
I recently bought extreme chunky peanut butter. I opened it up.. .it was just peanuts. Wow that is extreme!
Jim Gaffigan -
There's something about being a parent that has, I think, made me a better comedian.
Jim Gaffigan -
Comedians rarely have writers, and if you do it's usually a sign of laziness.
Jim Gaffigan -
I just want to be known as funny.
Jim Gaffigan -
I smoke crack. I get all my dancers together and we do a prayer.
Jim Gaffigan
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Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does, right?
Jim Gaffigan -
On MySpace ... the whole demographic of the stand-up comedy fan has changed. It's like an indie band thing. People think they've discovered you.
Jim Gaffigan -
When you hear bacon cooking....that sizzling sound isn't the fat cooking....that's applause.
Jim Gaffigan -
If someone picks up one thing you've written, you want them to go, 'Wow, this is pretty good.'
Jim Gaffigan -
I'm afraid of a couple things. I'm afraid of getting caught up in other people's expectations, because I feel like that's an ongoing battle.
Jim Gaffigan -
For me, stand-up comedy is a conversation between me and the audience. I have to keep them listening. When I'm making jokes about cake for twenty minutes, I have to make sure my audience is interested and following where I'm going.
Jim Gaffigan
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That's not to say that I'm a well-informed Catholic. I'm still in idiot.
Jim Gaffigan -
Deep frying a Twinkie makes it healthy, right?
Jim Gaffigan -
I got married. My wife changed her name. I know some women have a problem with that. But I wanted her to have my old girlfriend's name. So call me old-fashioned, but this fella does what the Bible tells.
Jim Gaffigan -
Other people's children's birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend.
Jim Gaffigan