Jim Gaffigan Quotes
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Steakhouses sort of have this old-school nature to them; they're like museums full of good food. It's fun hearing the waiter share his expertise on the different cuts of beef and how they're going to cut up your baked potato.
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There's something that's really fun about the challenge of making the mundane funny, too, I think.
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I've always wanted to be an actor. I've never planned on the acting and the stand-up feeding each other; they've always been separate desires.
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I had some jokes that were dirty. And some of it is when I started making appearances on Conan and Letterman back in the late '90s, I think. You had to remove the curse words, or you couldn't do some of the more explicit jokes.
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I'm afraid of a couple things. I'm afraid of getting caught up in other people's expectations, because I feel like that's an ongoing battle.
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Other people's children's birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend.
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I was the youngest of six kids, so yeah, feeding myself was important, but it's not like I was obsessed with food growing up.
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It's like in most parts of America, where there was industry and there is no longer; there is cynicism mixed with sarcasm and some optimism. That's how my background influenced my comedy.
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There's something about being a parent that has, I think, made me a better comedian.
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Some fast food places, they have that ketchup pump. It's like a keg. They give you the paper shot glass. I always like to hang around there, try and meet the ladies. "Here, I'll pump for you. You come to this Wendy's often? My roommate and I, we got a pony pump back at my dorm. Here's an extra shot "
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I smoke crack. I get all my dancers together and we do a prayer.
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I'm bald, blind and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene.
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I am somebody who - my path to my faith is very kind of individual, and I don't want to be lumped into the category of those Westboro Baptists.
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I didn't choose to be the guy who talks about the mundane - it's just who I am and it's what kind of works for me.
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You don't use mayonnaise, why? ... Are you addicted to mayonnaise? Is it okay if I use mayonnaise? I could go outside.
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I recently bought extreme chunky peanut butter. I opened it up.. .it was just peanuts. Wow that is extreme!
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Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: 'This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye.'
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Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic.
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Kale is a superfood and it’s special power is tasting bad.
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Deep frying a Twinkie makes it healthy, right?
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I used to have to do readings in church, and it was terrifying. I would never have my glasses. The words are printed so small even Superman would be nervous. And you’re reading from the Bible. It’s not like you can just make something up and improvise. “A reading from the letter of Saint Paul to the Corinthians. Uhhh. Dear Corinthians, … How was your weekend? Sure is hot here. Uh, tell Jesus ‘Hey.’ This is the word of the Lord.
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If someone picks up one thing you've written, you want them to go, 'Wow, this is pretty good.'
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Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent.
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My wife told me that in the Bible, Abraham circumcised himself... wow! I can't even get to the bank before it closes.