Jim Gaffigan Quotes
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I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there. "All right, I'm standing in front of a room full of strangers. Based on what I learned in gym class, I will throw a red ball at a fat guy."
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I was the youngest of six kids, so yeah, feeding myself was important, but it's not like I was obsessed with food growing up.
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What exactly are the ingredients of Ranch dressing? Mayo and disappointment?
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It's like in most parts of America, where there was industry and there is no longer; there is cynicism mixed with sarcasm and some optimism. That's how my background influenced my comedy.
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You ever read an article, and at the bottom, it says, 'Continued on page six'? I'm , 'Not for me. I'm done.'
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The whole idea of comedy, there is nothing normal about going up on stage to make strangers laugh. But I'm also not an exhibitionist like other comics. I'm not up there talking about masturbating.
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I'm afraid of a couple things. I'm afraid of getting caught up in other people's expectations, because I feel like that's an ongoing battle.
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Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: 'This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye.'
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My wife told me that in the Bible, Abraham circumcised himself... wow! I can't even get to the bank before it closes.
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My whole comic persona is that of a guy who explores the id: I romanticize gluttony, I romanticize laziness, and people identify with that.
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I think being a doctor is really hard, and it's really this thankless, never-ending job. It's not even that you get done with a project. There are always sick people.
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I am somebody who - my path to my faith is very kind of individual, and I don't want to be lumped into the category of those Westboro Baptists.
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Other people's children's birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend.
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That's why when I send a postcard I quiz people. "Hey, did you get that postcard?" "Yeah, yeah yeah." "Well what'd I say?" "Uh, you were havin-" "I was in jail"
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Some fast food places, they have that ketchup pump. It's like a keg. They give you the paper shot glass. I always like to hang around there, try and meet the ladies. "Here, I'll pump for you. You come to this Wendy's often? My roommate and I, we got a pony pump back at my dorm. Here's an extra shot "
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Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic.
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I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but I have a rough idea what's in water.
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I recently bought extreme chunky peanut butter. I opened it up.. .it was just peanuts. Wow that is extreme!
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Gyms are always packed. The only machine available is the one that simulates the gynecological exam. You know, the Sharon Stone machine.
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Jesus if you could cure our son's blindness that'd be great... And we'd love some shelves over there.
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There should be a children's song: 'If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep'.
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For me, stand-up comedy is a conversation between me and the audience. I have to keep them listening. When I'm making jokes about cake for twenty minutes, I have to make sure my audience is interested and following where I'm going.
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I didn't choose to be the guy who talks about the mundane - it's just who I am and it's what kind of works for me.
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Deep frying a Twinkie makes it healthy, right?