Jim Gaffigan Quotes
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Steakhouses sort of have this old-school nature to them; they're like museums full of good food. It's fun hearing the waiter share his expertise on the different cuts of beef and how they're going to cut up your baked potato.
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I'm afraid of a couple things. I'm afraid of getting caught up in other people's expectations, because I feel like that's an ongoing battle.
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I was the youngest of six kids, so yeah, feeding myself was important, but it's not like I was obsessed with food growing up.
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There's something that's really fun about the challenge of making the mundane funny, too, I think.
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I smoke crack. I get all my dancers together and we do a prayer.
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It's like in most parts of America, where there was industry and there is no longer; there is cynicism mixed with sarcasm and some optimism. That's how my background influenced my comedy.
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I've always wanted to be an actor. I've never planned on the acting and the stand-up feeding each other; they've always been separate desires.
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Other people's children's birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend.
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There's something about being a parent that has, I think, made me a better comedian.
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Some fast food places, they have that ketchup pump. It's like a keg. They give you the paper shot glass. I always like to hang around there, try and meet the ladies. "Here, I'll pump for you. You come to this Wendy's often? My roommate and I, we got a pony pump back at my dorm. Here's an extra shot "
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I'm bald, blind and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene.
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I recently bought extreme chunky peanut butter. I opened it up.. .it was just peanuts. Wow that is extreme!
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Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic.
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I am somebody who - my path to my faith is very kind of individual, and I don't want to be lumped into the category of those Westboro Baptists.
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I always had this romantic notion of living in New York. I just felt like, everyone could be different and weird and whatever they are in New York.
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You don't use mayonnaise, why? ... Are you addicted to mayonnaise? Is it okay if I use mayonnaise? I could go outside.
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I used to have to do readings in church, and it was terrifying. I would never have my glasses. The words are printed so small even Superman would be nervous. And you’re reading from the Bible. It’s not like you can just make something up and improvise. “A reading from the letter of Saint Paul to the Corinthians. Uhhh. Dear Corinthians, … How was your weekend? Sure is hot here. Uh, tell Jesus ‘Hey.’ This is the word of the Lord.
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I didn't choose to be the guy who talks about the mundane - it's just who I am and it's what kind of works for me.
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Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent.
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I got married. My wife changed her name. I know some women have a problem with that. But I wanted her to have my old girlfriend's name. So call me old-fashioned, but this fella does what the Bible tells.
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Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: 'This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye.'
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You ever read an article, and at the bottom, it says, 'Continued on page six'? I'm , 'Not for me. I'm done.'
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Deep frying a Twinkie makes it healthy, right?
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Kale is a superfood and it’s special power is tasting bad.