Jim Gaffigan Quotes
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The whole idea of comedy, there is nothing normal about going up on stage to make strangers laugh. But I'm also not an exhibitionist like other comics. I'm not up there talking about masturbating.
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People need to write articles and they need to have angles in them and I'm grateful when people are doing articles, but I always say there's not a great mystery to stand-up comedy.
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Kale is a superfood and it’s special power is tasting bad.
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No one goes into standup to make money. The frustration and rejection are just too much.
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I've always wanted to be an actor. I've never planned on the acting and the stand-up feeding each other; they've always been separate desires.
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It doesn't matter if you're religious or not. Does anything make you feel more uncomfortable than some stranger going, I'd like to talk to you about Jesus?
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I just want to be known as funny.
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I'm kind of like a guy who's missing a little bit of the guy gene. Like, I love steak, but the notion of golfing is the last thing I would want to do. I love women, but I'm also a mama's boy, and some of my best friends are women. So I'm kinda half guy's guy.
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I'm afraid of a couple things. I'm afraid of getting caught up in other people's expectations, because I feel like that's an ongoing battle.
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My wife and I, we work together. And we wrote this book, "Dad Is Fat." And in the book, I was encouraged constantly by my editor to be more personal and talk about more personal experiences.
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I was the youngest of six kids, so yeah, feeding myself was important, but it's not like I was obsessed with food growing up.
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I grew up in a Catholic family in the Midwest. And I knew people of different faiths and people that were atheists and people that were agnostic.
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Steakhouses sort of have this old-school nature to them; they're like museums full of good food. It's fun hearing the waiter share his expertise on the different cuts of beef and how they're going to cut up your baked potato.
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I am somebody who - my path to my faith is very kind of individual, and I don't want to be lumped into the category of those Westboro Baptists.
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I like bowling. It's just one of those things where I can do so many jokes about it because I do know bowling. Somebody once said, "The whitest things in the world are Jim Gaffigan and bowling."
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There's something about being a parent that has, I think, made me a better comedian.
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It's like in most parts of America, where there was industry and there is no longer; there is cynicism mixed with sarcasm and some optimism. That's how my background influenced my comedy.
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My wife told me that in the Bible, Abraham circumcised himself... wow! I can't even get to the bank before it closes.
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If someone picks up one thing you've written, you want them to go, 'Wow, this is pretty good.'
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I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators. Stand-up comedy is very much a conversation. It's very personal, stylistically.
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I smoke crack. I get all my dancers together and we do a prayer.
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After you eat a Hot Pocket, Everything will taste like rubber for a month!
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I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin.
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I didn't choose to be the guy who talks about the mundane - it's just who I am and it's what kind of works for me.