Jim Gaffigan Quotes
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I like to think of bread as really bland cake.
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I realized, in removing or rewriting these jokes, that often the jokes weren't done or that I was using, for me, the curse words as kind of a crutch. So then I just started writing.
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I was still rooting for Notre Dame.It's like there's the cultural Catholic experience.
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I would say my return to my faith is - it's a very personal thing.
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Most single guys I know think fatherhood is terrifying.
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Most of my material is , it doesn't necessarily involve a lot of editing. So even the show with the World Meeting of Families in Philadelphia, I don't have to worry about some of the material being inappropriate.
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I would say I'm - in the show, I'm a cultural Catholic, which is what I was.
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Well my chocolate is so good I could sell it in an obnoxious prism shape.
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I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin.
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You know what it's like having five kids? Imagine you're drowning. And someone hands you a baby.
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I would say some of the food I talk about that I really enjoy, like cake and bacon, I eat a lot less than I portray in my act. But that stuff that I dislike, it's pretty sincere.
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After you eat a Hot Pocket, Everything will taste like rubber for a month!
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A lot of the teachings really kind of keep me grounded.
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Ireland is a place that's beautiful and interesting, but I remember when I went there as a teenager with my parents, I was like, "Okay, I'll go to Ireland with my parents. It's going to be green." I think people underestimate it, in that it's, "Oh, it's green," and then you get there, and it's like, "Wow, it is green!" It's, "Oh, there's Irish music," and then you get there, and you're like, "Oh, this Irish music is amazing!" You underestimate it.
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Is there a homeless guy built in to the design of Dunkin' Donuts? ...There'll be an entrance here... a deranged lunatic here.
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I'm closer to Bob Newhart than Rodney Dangerfield.
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I need the concept of mercy for me to have some semblance of self-admiration. So in real life, I'm probably somebody who is more devout.
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My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.
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Don't you think it's strange how many referees work at Footlocker?
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You know, I want to teach, but I don’t want to read?
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We’re never satisfied when it comes to food. ‘You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich. Instead of a bun, let’s use two donuts. That way we can have it for breakfast. Look out McGriddle. Here comes the donut-ham-hamburger!’
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Bacon's the best, even the frying of bacon sounds like an applause.
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As a dad, you are the Vice President of the executive branch of parenting. It doesn't matter what your personality is like, you will always be Al Gore to your wife's Bill Clinton. She feels the pain and you are the annoying nerd telling them to turn off the lights.
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Whatever a writer gets paid for his book, it's never enough. I think that's true. It's hard work. But in the end, you wrote a book. It's something real and tangible that sits on a shelf forever.