Jim Gaffigan Quotes
- All Quotes
-
A lot of the teachings really kind of keep me grounded.
-
Imagine you're drowning, and someone hands you a baby.
-
I like to think of bread as really bland cake.
-
Don't you think it's strange how many referees work at Footlocker?
-
I would say I'm - in the show, I'm a cultural Catholic, which is what I was.
-
Is there a homeless guy built in to the design of Dunkin' Donuts? ...There'll be an entrance here... a deranged lunatic here.
-
As a dad, you are the Vice President of the executive branch of parenting. It doesn't matter what your personality is like, you will always be Al Gore to your wife's Bill Clinton. She feels the pain and you are the annoying nerd telling them to turn off the lights.
-
I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing cynicism among all Hoosiers.
-
You know what it's like having five kids? Imagine you're drowning. And someone hands you a baby.
-
I would say some of the food I talk about that I really enjoy, like cake and bacon, I eat a lot less than I portray in my act. But that stuff that I dislike, it's pretty sincere.
-
You know, I want to teach, but I don’t want to read?
-
We’re never satisfied when it comes to food. ‘You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich. Instead of a bun, let’s use two donuts. That way we can have it for breakfast. Look out McGriddle. Here comes the donut-ham-hamburger!’
-
Most of my material is , it doesn't necessarily involve a lot of editing. So even the show with the World Meeting of Families in Philadelphia, I don't have to worry about some of the material being inappropriate.
-
Whatever a writer gets paid for his book, it's never enough. I think that's true. It's hard work. But in the end, you wrote a book. It's something real and tangible that sits on a shelf forever.
-
Bacon's the best, even the frying of bacon sounds like an applause.
-
Well my chocolate is so good I could sell it in an obnoxious prism shape.
-
I need the concept of mercy for me to have some semblance of self-admiration. So in real life, I'm probably somebody who is more devout.
-
I'm closer to Bob Newhart than Rodney Dangerfield.
-
It's difficult to parent one kid, let alone five! It's insane. It's this strange, overwhelming mess that I would not trade for anything. I think it's more difficult in New York City. It's not like we can hop in the minivan and go somewhere. I don't own a car. It's chaos anywhere. Being a parent is difficult. Being a son and a daughter is difficult. It's a human relationship.
-
My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.
-
I grew up in a Catholic family in the Midwest. And I knew people of different faiths and people that were atheists and people that were agnostic.
-
I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin.
-
I always want my standup act to appeal to everybody in the room, and when I started standup, and I would see people talk about their kids and their wife, and I'd always cringe a little bit, like, 'I can't get a date, I don't know what you're talking about.'
-
New York has made me so paranoid, too. Whenever I visit another city, I always act like I'm from there, so the cab driver doesn't rip me off. I'm always like, "Yeah, it's good to be back home. Back here where I grew up. Yeah. Here in Tokyo. ... Uh, driver, I need to go to my old stomping grounds. That would be the Holiday Inn. And the address appears to be the pound sign."