Jim Gaffigan Quotes
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Babies should be classified as an antidepressant. It's pretty hard to be in a bad mood around a 5-month-old baby.
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I love writing stand-up so much and tinkering and looking for ideas.
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It's difficult to parent one kid, let alone five! It's insane. It's this strange, overwhelming mess that I would not trade for anything. I think it's more difficult in New York City. It's not like we can hop in the minivan and go somewhere. I don't own a car. It's chaos anywhere. Being a parent is difficult. Being a son and a daughter is difficult. It's a human relationship.
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I think comedians get too much credit or too much criticism for the style of comedy they do, and they generally do the style of comedy that works for them. [...] There's no kind of shrewd calculation going into the type of standup we all do. It's like David Cross is supposed to be doing the David Cross' type of standup.
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You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.
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I feel guilty if I'm not reading books, but I read scripts of movies or things that I know I'm committed to that I'm going to do the project. I tell myself, "I'm going to read this script like six times," and I only read it the initial time.
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I always imagine that if I met Dr. Seuss, he would be very similar to Crispin Glover.
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Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings.
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I'm from Indiana. I know what you're thinking, Indiana... Mafia. But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big' it's more like 'We're from Indiana and we're gonna move.'
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I would say I'm - in the show, I'm a cultural Catholic, which is what I was.
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The idea of having a large family, I definitely had a romantic notion of it.
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I talk kinda slow, especially for the Northeast, so it was a way to beat [would-be hecklers] to the punch.
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As a dad, you are the Vice President of the executive branch of parenting. It doesn't matter what your personality is like, you will always be Al Gore to your wife's Bill Clinton. She feels the pain and you are the annoying nerd telling them to turn off the lights.
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Every now and then I'll read a book, I'll be so proud of myself, I'll try and squeeze it into conversation. People will be like, "Hey Jim, how ya do-" "I read a book! Two hundred and fifty pages!" "That's great, what was it about?" "No idea! Took me three years!"
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I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. "So that's how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze this stuff. Oh, but you need a tray. That's how they trick you into it."
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There are different parts of us. You want to feel safe but you want to also feel challenged.
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I don't want to be a TV star for the sake of being on TV. I want to have a TV show that's based around my comedy.
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The whole idea of celebrity is flattering - it helps you get into restaurants and stuff - but once you obtain some creative fulfillment, which you do on a nightly basis as a comedian, it's hard to give that up just to be the wacky neighbor on a show.
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The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.
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I like to stay in a hotel where it's a dome of silence. I can sit in my room and do nothing.
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I'd really like to promote my increasing consumption of bacon.
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Don't you think it's strange how many referees work at Footlocker?
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Bacon's the best, even the frying of bacon sounds like an applause.
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I'm closer to Bob Newhart than Rodney Dangerfield.