Jim Gaffigan Quotes
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Don't you think it's strange how many referees work at Footlocker?
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As a dad, you are the Vice President of the executive branch of parenting. It doesn't matter what your personality is like, you will always be Al Gore to your wife's Bill Clinton. She feels the pain and you are the annoying nerd telling them to turn off the lights.
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I would say I'm - in the show, I'm a cultural Catholic, which is what I was.
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For a comedian to kind of catch onto something right as something's catching on in our culture, a lot of it is luck, and you hope the joke is funny.
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I'd really like to promote my increasing consumption of bacon.
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I don't want to be a TV star for the sake of being on TV. I want to have a TV show that's based around my comedy.
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The idea of having a large family, I definitely had a romantic notion of it.
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How did we get to the point where we're paying for bottled water? That must have been some weird marketing meeting over in France. Some French guy's sitting there, like, "How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water."
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I think the worst professional advice I received was this kind of unspoken message of "sit back and wait your turn," or "sit back and wait and let other people do things."
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Bacon's the best, even the frying of bacon sounds like an applause.
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If only opening a Vitamin Water could be classified as working out.
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Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings.
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I love writing stand-up so much and tinkering and looking for ideas.
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You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."
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It is amazing how much more amazing sleep is in the morning. You wake up and you're like, "I stayed up to do what?! Watch Growing Pains? What was I thinking!?" But at night you're like, "La La La La La, Hey! Growing Pains, awesome! And I've seen this episode. That Kirk Cameron's always in trouble."
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There are different parts of us. You want to feel safe but you want to also feel challenged.
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When I started stand-up - and this is in the '90s - there was definitely people hadn't watched decades of Comedy Central, where people are really much more educated on stand-up comedy.
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I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you're doing.
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You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.
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The reason I say I'm a horrible person is I don't want myself to be presented as somebody who's a great Catholic.
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I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. "So that's how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze this stuff. Oh, but you need a tray. That's how they trick you into it."
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I talk kinda slow, especially for the Northeast, so it was a way to beat [would-be hecklers] to the punch.
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The whole idea of celebrity is flattering - it helps you get into restaurants and stuff - but once you obtain some creative fulfillment, which you do on a nightly basis as a comedian, it's hard to give that up just to be the wacky neighbor on a show.
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Manhattan's probably one of the bluest parts in the country, and Indiana's definitely one of the redder states. I have sympathy for both sides.