Jim Gaffigan Quotes
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Well my chocolate is so good I could sell it in an obnoxious prism shape.
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I'm from Indiana. I know what you're thinking, Indiana... Mafia. But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big' it's more like 'We're from Indiana and we're gonna move.'
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I would say I'm - in the show, I'm a cultural Catholic, which is what I was.
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Imagine you're drowning, and someone hands you a baby.
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I was still rooting for Notre Dame.It's like there's the cultural Catholic experience.
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I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. "So that's how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze this stuff. Oh, but you need a tray. That's how they trick you into it."
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Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings.
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Babies should be classified as an antidepressant. It's pretty hard to be in a bad mood around a 5-month-old baby.
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I like to stay in a hotel where it's a dome of silence. I can sit in my room and do nothing.
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Don't you think it's strange how many referees work at Footlocker?
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It's difficult to parent one kid, let alone five! It's insane. It's this strange, overwhelming mess that I would not trade for anything. I think it's more difficult in New York City. It's not like we can hop in the minivan and go somewhere. I don't own a car. It's chaos anywhere. Being a parent is difficult. Being a son and a daughter is difficult. It's a human relationship.
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For a comedian to kind of catch onto something right as something's catching on in our culture, a lot of it is luck, and you hope the joke is funny.
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I feel guilty if I'm not reading books, but I read scripts of movies or things that I know I'm committed to that I'm going to do the project. I tell myself, "I'm going to read this script like six times," and I only read it the initial time.
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There are different parts of us. You want to feel safe but you want to also feel challenged.
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As a dad, you are the Vice President of the executive branch of parenting. It doesn't matter what your personality is like, you will always be Al Gore to your wife's Bill Clinton. She feels the pain and you are the annoying nerd telling them to turn off the lights.
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The whole idea of celebrity is flattering - it helps you get into restaurants and stuff - but once you obtain some creative fulfillment, which you do on a nightly basis as a comedian, it's hard to give that up just to be the wacky neighbor on a show.
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The idea of having a large family, I definitely had a romantic notion of it.
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The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.
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You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.
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Who was the first person to walk into a harbor and say, "Whatever that horrible smell is I want to eat it"
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I'd really like to promote my increasing consumption of bacon.
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Bacon's the best, even the frying of bacon sounds like an applause.
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I talk kinda slow, especially for the Northeast, so it was a way to beat [would-be hecklers] to the punch.
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Oh great, socks. You know I'm dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They'll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?