Jim Gaffigan Quotes
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You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.
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Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more... fun to pet, better to chew.
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Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings.
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My children have made me a better man, which is - in the end, that's probably more important than two more comedy specials or being in better shape.
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How did we get to the point where we're paying for bottled water? That must have been some weird marketing meeting over in France. Some French guy's sitting there, like, "How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water."
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I'd have to say Sunset Salsa. Nothing against Honey Lime, but it's for losers.
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Award shows are really silly. I'm very happy for the people that win the awards, and I can say they're really silly, but I would love to get one. So I also know wasting time on that is pointless.
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I do Sierra Mist commercials not because they pay me a lot of money or because it only takes a couple of days. I do it because I have a respect for all sodas and I like to communicate that. Some people say soda, some people say pop, where I'm from in Indiana they called it breakfast.
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I feel guilty if I'm not reading books, but I read scripts of movies or things that I know I'm committed to that I'm going to do the project. I tell myself, "I'm going to read this script like six times," and I only read it the initial time.
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I like to stay in a hotel where it's a dome of silence. I can sit in my room and do nothing.
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When I started stand-up - and this is in the '90s - there was definitely people hadn't watched decades of Comedy Central, where people are really much more educated on stand-up comedy.
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It is amazing how much more amazing sleep is in the morning. You wake up and you're like, "I stayed up to do what?! Watch Growing Pains? What was I thinking!?" But at night you're like, "La La La La La, Hey! Growing Pains, awesome! And I've seen this episode. That Kirk Cameron's always in trouble."
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Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work toward.
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The idea of having a large family, I definitely had a romantic notion of it.
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People treat having a kid as somehow retiring from success. Quitting. Have you seen a baby? They’re pretty cute. Loving them is pretty easy. Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant. Being happy is really the definition of success, isn’t it?
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If I was on an airplane, the people in coach would know who I am. But no one in first class would know.
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I always imagine that if I met Dr. Seuss, he would be very similar to Crispin Glover.
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The reason I say I'm a horrible person is I don't want myself to be presented as somebody who's a great Catholic.
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The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.
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I initially signed up for Twitter just to do jokes I wasn't going to do in my stand-up routine.
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Manhattan's probably one of the bluest parts in the country, and Indiana's definitely one of the redder states. I have sympathy for both sides.
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I love writing stand-up so much and tinkering and looking for ideas.
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I think when I started doing stand-up, that's when I really tried to question everything in my belief system which is - I think a pretty important part of being a comedian is really questioning things.
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I do have some Catholic stuff that is done from the perspective of an ignorant Catholic. But other than that, topic-wise, there's nothing really filthy.