Zach Galifianakis Quotes
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For 8 years now I've been addicted to cold turkey. When I tell people I'm quitting cold turkey, they say,'What are you quitting?', I'm fucking quitting cold turkey.
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I wish I could sit back and say, 'Oh, I'm gonna wait for a Merchant-Ivory film to come my way. Or Ivory-Merchant. Whatever it's called. But you just take what's given and then, hopefully, down the road you can be more choosy and only do, say, Wayans brothers movies. That's my goal: to be more Merchant-Ivory-Wayans.
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The Forgetful Vegan: Man that sure was some good pepperoni pi-Oh Fuck!
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When you look like I do, it's hard to get a table for one at Chuck E Cheese.
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People get TV deals by doing something in their grandmother's basement. It is definitely the wave. Everybody is trying to do all that stuff. I mean, the Internet is the only reason that I've gotten work is because I've somehow created a line and people have seen it. And then I've been asked to auditions.
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Hello, my name is Zach Galifianakis, and I hope I'm pronouncing that right.
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The whole thing about working in front of the camera is to make people laugh when they're not supposed to.
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A fantasy of mine is to do a podcast that's Marcel Marceau and I, and you only hear me laughing at him and trying to figure out what he's doing.
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That show, 'The Amazing Race' - is that about white people?
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I'm Greek. My body produces feta cheese.
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Some people can be choosy because they're ultratalented or lucky or whatever, but yeah, there are certain things that might not be the greatest thing on my resume. But I don't sit back and go, 'Gosh, I wish I didn't do that.' It's all part of the growth of a career, whether you're an entertainer or a librarian.
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As you get older, you see the world at a different angle, maybe more cynically, but I just bury my anger.
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I failed kindergarten because I couldn't spell my last name.
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I am going to be the next Ryan Gosling.
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Reciting lines is hard; making stuff up is much, much easier.
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Whenever I'm with a woman I whisper softly into her ear, 'Will you touch my vagina...?' and she's like, 'What!?' and I'm like, 'That's what you're supposed to say.'
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My dad doesn't get any of my jokes. He laughs at them, but he doesn't understand them. He's just laughing because people around him are laughing.
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That's one of the great things about comedy: we can - and should - say the things that other people aren't supposed to say. If we didn't do that, if we didn't push against those limits, we'd just be standing around onstage and yelling.
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We talked about politics constantly in my family growing up in North Carolina. There were always debates. Being of Greek background, it's in our blood to drink coffee and talk politics.
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My real last name is Galifianakisburg.
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I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks.
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I'm an American so its kind of hard for me to talk about 9/11. So whenever someone brings it up in a conversation, I say "I didn't like 9/11."
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There's more to life than being an actor in a Hollywood movie. I'm not going to adapt my life after that existence, where a lot of people do. And they get the publicist, and they get all that stuff, and it becomes them. I think it's a stupid way to live your life. A really dumb way to live your life.
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I get burned out on standup. But I like acting. I do like it. But sometimes you just feel like a monkey. You just feel like a complete tool. But I like it. I do like it. Stand-up is just more free. A lot more freedom because you just do what you want to do.