Funny Quotes
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Roosevelt could always keep ahead with his work, but I cannot do it, and I know it is a grievous fault, but it is too late to remedy it. The country must take me as it found me. Wasn't it your mother who had a servant girl who said it was no use for her to try to hurry, that she was a "Sunday chil" and no "Sunday chil" could hurry? I don't think I am a Sunday child, but I ought to have been; then I would have had an excuse for always being late.
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We do have a zeal for laughter in most situations, give or take a dentist.
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My boss at Christmas was a lot of fun: "I want you to look in your pay envelopes and you'll know that I keep the Christmas spirit around here. Because in each and every envelope you'll find ... snow."
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The worst of being a Communist is the parties you may go to are - well - awfully funny and touching but not very gay...I don't see the point of sad parties, do you? And Left-wing people are always sad because they mind dreadfully about their causes, and the causes are always going so badly.
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Let's make some funny pictures.
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Thankfully, perseverance is a good substitute for talent.
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Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, someone's drunk in the kitchen.
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I don't mean he missed him, but he just didn't get him when he put the tag on him.
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We started with 53,000 people. Half are gone, but surprisingly, most are still here!
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If there's an audience, I think they're going to expect me to be funny. But what if I'm not funny? What if I fail?
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I used to smoke marijuana. But I'll tell you something: I would only smoke it in the late evening. Oh, occasionally the early evening, but usually the late evening - or the mid-evening. Just the early evening, midevening and late evening. Occasionally, early afternoon, early mid-afternoon, or perhaps the late-midafternoon. Oh, sometimes the early-mid-late-early morning. . . But never at dusk!
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It's a funny thing, 'The Office,' because millions and millions and millions and millions of people didn't watch it. But culturally, it is more of a phenomenon than almost anything else I can remember as far as British television is concerned.
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Where is Hollywood located? Chiefly between the ears. In that part of the American brain lately vacated by God.
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The great thing about being a comedian is that it kind of doesn't matter how you look. It's actually a disadvantage to be too good-looking. There's a Darwinian advantage to being funny. If you're a good-looking fella, you can't be bothered to make up jokes.
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Fear is what makes comedy funny.
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My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.
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Those amateur umpires are certainly flexing their fangs tonight.
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There is no insanity so devastating in man's life as utter sanity.
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My daughters are both funny and smart and lots of fun. They play lacrosse, soccer, musical instruments, like to cook with me, and are naturals in the swimming pool. Honestly, though, what I like doing most with them is eating. I've worked really hard to make sure they are willing to try all sorts of different foods.
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A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something brussel sprouts never do.
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I remember one guy saying, "You're the only human out of all of them," and feeling a little concerned that somehow that meant I wasn't as funny.
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He took the bride about the neck and kissed her lips with such a clamorous smack that at the parting all the church did echo.
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All I can do is keep my nose down and shoot the scene, shoot the scene, make it funny, make it funny, make it funny.
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To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
