Funny Quotes
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It's more difficult getting up early in the morning when you're wearing silk pajamas.
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I had gone to New York with no plan at all. I did a lot of jobs - barman, teacher, security guard, postman and construction worker - and I was meeting many eccentric characters, and they were saying funny things, which I always wrote down.
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I know jazz is completely un-American. But the reason why America doesn't like it is because it's not funny. We americans have made jazz funny.
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It is funny because the guy who is my boss now, Howard Stern, has a similarity there. He got big being a regular guy. He wasn't the greatest looking guy in the world.
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I worked with Tyler before on 'Daddy's Little Girls'. He couldn't be smarter or more laid back and cool. He's always throwing out lines and is funny as hell. And he was shining his light on 'Peeples', too, lending his name to showcase Tina as a first-time director, and me as a first-time lead.
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Misery acquaints a man with strange bedfellows.
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Everyone told me to pass on Speed because it was a 'bus movie.'
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You never want to be the worst bowler of the group-because then everyone treats you like you have cancer. "You can do it! We're praying for you." The advice starts. "Use a heavier ball." "Keep your arm straight." "You should get a vasectomy." If you're really bad at bowling like me, they'll ask if want the bumpers up. Not that bowling is that complex anyway. "You want the bumpers? We can get rid of the pins. Why don't you take this coloring book and sit in the corner?"
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You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don't even read it! "Hey I got a - who cares."
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But you shall not escape my iambics.
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Those amateur umpires are certainly flexing their fangs tonight.
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I don't write material. Funny things happen to me in the course of a day, and I just make notes.
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Discovering Samuel Beckett in college was a big deal for me. I realized you could be very funny and very dark at the same time.
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I'm no different than any other expendable player.
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I like Donald. I guess I shouldn't call him that. I like President Trump. He's affable. He's funny.
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A girl who is really pretty - whether she wraps herself in an abayah, a nun's habit, or the front hall rug - never wraps herself so that the world can't tell.
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Sometimes being lazy can get you in trouble. You ever not take a shower all weekend, just lounge around, then you're running late for work on Monday? There's always one person at work: "Something smells like smoke in here!" "Uh, I went to a barbeque on Friday night. Only had 48 hours to take a shower. Busy."
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Why do you have to be out of town to write a postcard? I want a to write a postcard to my neighbor: "I still live near you!" The guy sees me go into my apartment, flips the card over, it's just a picture of me holding a rifle.
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I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.
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Fear is what makes comedy funny.
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Oxford is a funny place, as it is a mixture of town and gown. You have the students at the main university and at Oxford Brookes, but there is also a big working-class community.
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I'd like to make you laugh for about ten minutes though I'm gonna be on for an hour.
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There's a hard shot to LeMaster, he throws Madlock into the dugout.
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It's funny because Hollywood is such a small place that everyone really is less than 6 degrees of separation.
