Funny Quotes
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I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room
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Let's leave it all alone. I'm stupidest when I try to be funny.
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I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. "Is it Scotch?", I asked. "Why?" the butcher said in reply. "Are you going to talk to it or eat it?". "In that case, have you got any wild duck?". "No", he responded, "but I've got one I could aggravate for you."
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Since the goal of my programs is to show audiences how humor can both help them heal as well as deal with not-so-funny stuff, I decided to discuss the events of the previous week, the pain all of us were feeling, and how humor and some laughter might be beneficial.
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We've got stained glass windows in our house; it's those damned pigeons.
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Let's make some funny pictures.
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People are just funny sometimes if you find the right character.
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I had gone to New York with no plan at all. I did a lot of jobs - barman, teacher, security guard, postman and construction worker - and I was meeting many eccentric characters, and they were saying funny things, which I always wrote down.
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Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn't that the best?
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Fear is what makes comedy funny.
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I have heard it said that a complicated childhood can lead to a life in the arts. I tell you this story of my father and me to let you know I am qualified to be a comedian.
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It's funny because Hollywood is such a small place that everyone really is less than 6 degrees of separation.
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There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.
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No matter how many times I visit New York City, I am always struck by the same thing - a yellow taxicab.
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You know, I'm just a very boring, not very funny person in person. I don't feel pressured to be otherwise.
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The first pitch to Tucker Ashford is grounded into left field. No, wait a minute. It's ball one. Low and outside.
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I've always maintained that people that are funny and smart can do anything in film.
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Now, I've gotten to the point in my career, I'm 13 years in, to where I know that I'm funny. I know that I'm good at this.
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They throw Winfield out at second, but he's safe.
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If America cannot win a war in a week, it begins negotiating with itself.
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You're damn right I do. I'm in Madison Square Garden getting the s*** knocked out of me
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Why do you have to be out of town to write a postcard? I want a to write a postcard to my neighbor: "I still live near you!" The guy sees me go into my apartment, flips the card over, it's just a picture of me holding a rifle.
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It's not like every male comic you meet is funny. Like, a lot of them are not funny.
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Turner was like a pencil. He bent around that pitch!
