Funny Quotes
-
They throw Winfield out at second, but he's safe.
-
I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.
-
It's funny because I'm a sucker for glitz and glitter when it comes to clothes and nail polish, but with my makeup, I'm more comfortable with a natural look. It feels more like me.
-
I know jazz is completely un-American. But the reason why America doesn't like it is because it's not funny. We americans have made jazz funny.
-
I am very uncomfortable being romantic. I can be funny; I can be all over the place. I can be anything but romantic.
-
When I was a kid my father would read Neil Simon plays with me when I was going to bed, as bedtime stories. All of these old plays like The Odd Couple and Lost in Yonkers - funny but corny plays about Jewish New Yorkers in the mid-20th century.
-
There are things that I won't joke about, but it's not because I don't think they're funny or they can't be made funny. It's just that they don't fit my particular skill set.
-
I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.
-
The first pitch to Tucker Ashford is grounded into left field. No, wait a minute. It's ball one. Low and outside.
-
See, I don't really go after girls. Most of the girlfriends I've had have come after me. So it's really funny when girls get offended because I don't hit on them.
-
I think people are surprised to learn that I'm pretty goofy and pretty funny.
-
When people are funny, I like to let them know that they're funny. There's so much negativity, it's cool to get some positivity out there.
-
The Padres, after winning the first game of the doubleheader, are ahead here in the top of the fifth and hoping for a split.
-
I don't know about Willie Davis. He's not as young as he used to be.
-
I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn't even have attempted it.
-
I was taking my dog out the other day and I met this chap who asked me where I was going. The dog is foaming at the mouth, so I explained that I was on my way to the vet to have it put down. He asked if it was mad, to which I replied that it wasn't exactly pleased about it.
-
You know, I'm just a very boring, not very funny person in person. I don't feel pressured to be otherwise.
-
You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like, you pick up your mail, you go in your house, you realize you have a letter for a neighbor. You ever just look at the letter and go "Hm. Looks like they're never getting this. It'll take too much energy to go back outside. I'm gonna get that to them later on. Right now I gotta watch some 'Love Connection.' They got some new host on there."
-
There's a deep underlying unpredictability to life that is thrilling. In China, my wife would say you go out to buy toilet paper, and you come back, and something interesting or revealing or funny happened on the way.
-
And it's very, very funny When you've lots and lots of money To be horrible to those with none! Be horrible to those with none!
-
You can teach taste, editorial sense, but the ability to say something funny is something I've never been able to teach anyone.
-
If there's an audience, I think they're going to expect me to be funny. But what if I'm not funny? What if I fail?
-
Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.
-
She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.
