Funny Quotes
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Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others rob you with a fountain pen.
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I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.
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Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories: those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
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The Cards lead the Dodgers 4-2 after one inning and that one hasn't even started.
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Why would you clone people when you can go to bed with them and make a baby? C'mon, it's stupid.
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There are many different ways of being funny. I'm not sure that there's so many different ways of being dramatic.
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I am the funny, crazy person.
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I have heard it said that a complicated childhood can lead to a life in the arts. I tell you this story of my father and me to let you know I am qualified to be a comedian.
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People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.
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Some people expect me to be funny all the time, and I'm not necessarily funny all the time.
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I think absurdist humor is funny...
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Thankfully, perseverance is a good substitute for talent.
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It's funny when people say they see a lot of Madonna in me. I just feel so flattered because I love her and I am just her biggest fan. She is very strong. I love the way she does interviews -you know you won't get anything past her.
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And it's very, very funny When you've lots and lots of money To be horrible to those with none! Be horrible to those with none!
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The first pitch to Tucker Ashford is grounded into left field. No, wait a minute. It's ball one. Low and outside.
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Trust is hard to come by. That's why my circle is small and tight. I'm kind of funny about making new friends.
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Lying to other people is fine and usually funny, but lying to yourself is tacky.
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The show is definitely not just about weight-loss physically. It's more about finding yourself. It's really funny because I realized at one of our table reads that 'Huge' was really about the weight that we carry around mentally.
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I'm thankful for the talent in which God gave me and I'm thankful for the environment that he placed me.
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Wouldn't it have been weird to go to high school with the Pope? You know, somebody did, someone's sitting at home, watching TV in Poland, they see the Pope, they think, "That guy was a jerk! He was so mean to me and now he's Pope? I got a swirly from the Pope!"
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You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
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I don't like comedy. I like funny things. I don't like comedy. Like, comedy movies are just, 'Oh Jesus.'
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They throw Winfield out at second, but he's safe.
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I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic, I'm nothing. Because if you're Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, 'He's got a Latin temper!' If you're a white guy and you get angry, people are like, 'That guy's a jerk.'
