Funny Quotes
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You know, I'm just a very boring, not very funny person in person. I don't feel pressured to be otherwise.
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I saw this college team bowling championship. Each team had their own coach. What kind of strategy advice is a bowling coach giving? "You know what? This time Timmy, I want you to knock down all the pins." "You sure?" "Trust me. Just do it son!"
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She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.
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Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.
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And it's very, very funny When you've lots and lots of money To be horrible to those with none! Be horrible to those with none!
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The Padres, after winning the first game of the doubleheader, are ahead here in the top of the fifth and hoping for a split.
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Once anyone who has a sense of humor can do what they want, they want to do funny bits as much as possible.
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I commend you on all you've done for PETA, wrestling the one-eyed trouser snake with your bare hands, gently cuddling it in your arms, and nurturing it back to health.
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Ozzie Smith just made another play that I've never seen anyone else make before, and I've seen him make it more often than anyone else ever has.
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Racquetball is the only sport where simultaneously you can be looking at the ball and it'll hit you in the back of the head at 90 miles per hour.
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Tell me, was it you or your brother who was killed in the war?
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It started out as kind of a joke, and then it wasn't funny anymore because money became involved. Deep down, nothing about money is funny.
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From 30 feet away she looked like a lot of class. From 10 feet away she looked like something made up to be seen from 30 feet away.
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I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. "Is it Scotch?", I asked. "Why?" the butcher said in reply. "Are you going to talk to it or eat it?". "In that case, have you got any wild duck?". "No", he responded, "but I've got one I could aggravate for you."
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Bob Davis has his hair differently this year, short with curls like Randy Jones wears. I think you call it a Frisbee.
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
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Learn from the masters, learn from your contemporaries. Always try to update yourself.
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You walk into the locker room, and you see players with their ripping muscles and stomachs you could wash your clothes in.
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Well, I hope before Glenn goes, he'll come up here so we can give him a big hug and a kiss, because that's the kind of guy he is.
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The funny thing is that the fashions from the '90s seem to sit so well with the fashions of 2016. Everything from then somehow skipped and came back.
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If something is shocking without being funny it's hard to justify.
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To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
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Reggie Smith of the Dodgers and Gary Matthews of the homers hit Braves in that game.
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Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ, and the Jews try to pass it off on the Romans. I'm one of the few people who believes it was the blacks.
