Funny Quotes
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Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, someone's drunk in the kitchen.
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Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John.
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The embarrassing thing is that my salad dressing is out-grossing my films.
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I am the funny, crazy person.
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It's funny to think that at 22 years old, I was really burned out from being on the road for 10 years.
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Kippers : fish that like a lot of sleep.
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We told each other every funny story we could think of. One of them stays in my mind. A German citizen wants to commit suicide. He tries to hang himself, but the rope is of such a poor quality that it breaks. He tries to drown himself, but the percentage of wood in the fabric of his pants is so high that he floats on the surface like a raft. Finally he starves to death from eating official government rations.
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The sea is the same as it has been since before men ever went on it in boats.
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What's politically correct a lot of times is not funny.
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And regardless of the fact that in this country, certainly in the arts, we treat comedy as a second-class citizen, I've never thought of it that way. I've always thought it to be important. The last time I looked, the Greeks were holding up two masks. I've always thought of it not only as having equal value, but as the craft of it, being funny.
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A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
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I did a lot of sitcoms, and being funny isn't about being beautiful. Usually, beautiful people aren't the funny people.
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I don't like comedy. I like funny things. I don't like comedy. Like, comedy movies are just, 'Oh Jesus.'
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This is the most elaborate and luxurious method of convincing others that you can cook. Take everybody out on your yacht until they're green in the face. Then you can rave for weeks about your sauce marinara and no one will gainsay you.
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'Playing House' works because we're being supremely honest to what we think is funny and not what we think other people think is funny.
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Young Frank Pastore may have pitched the biggest victory of 1979. Maybe the biggest victory of the year!
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Thankfully, perseverance is a good substitute for talent.
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The essays in The Great Taos Bank Robbery were my project to win a Master of Arts degree in English when I quit being a newspaper editor and went back to college.
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It will be funny in about 10 years.
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I have heard it said that a complicated childhood can lead to a life in the arts. I tell you this story of my father and me to let you know I am qualified to be a comedian.
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It would have been a wonderful wedding - had it not been mine.
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I think it's cool to do stuff in a different language. Basically, I learned English through listening to rap. A lot of people think it's funny. But it's true; I used to try to get the accents.
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They've taken the foot off Johnny Grubb. Uh, they've taken the shoe off Johnny Grubb.
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The Padres, after winning the first game of the doubleheader, are ahead here in the top of the fifth and hoping for a split.
