Erma Bombeck Quotes
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Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. "Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed?" Don't you want to save some of the pizza for your brother?" Wasn't there any change?
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Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.
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Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.
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Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.
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Once you see the drivers in Indonesia you understand why religion plays such a part in their lives.
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Written on her tombstone: "I told you I was sick.
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Phrases and their actual meanings: My teacher has never liked me. Expect a phone call before lunch from the teacher informing you that your child has been launching hot dogs by compressing them inside a small Thermos and then removing the lid quickly.
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When it comes to cooking, five years ago I felt guilty "just adding water." Now I want to bang the tube against the countertop and have a five-course meal pop out. If it comes with plastic silverware and a plate that self-destructs, all the better.
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I've decided life is too fragile to finish a book I dislike just because it cost $16.95 and everyone else loved it. Or eat a fried egg with a broken yolk (which I hate) when the dog would leap over the St. Louis Arch for it.
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Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.
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I originate from a family where sauce is viewed as a refreshment.
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Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.
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My idea of 'roughing it' is when you have to have an extension for your electric blanket.
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Every puppy should have a boy.
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... it's simply wrong to always order [kids] to stop that fighting. There are times when one child is simply defending his rights and damned well should be fighting.
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For the first two years of a child's life, we spend every waking hour tryibg to get the child to communicate. Then we spend the rest of our lives trying to figure out how we can reverse the process.
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The grass is always greener over the septic tank.
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My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
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Last year I gave seventy-four phone hours to soliciting baked goods for the Bake-A-Rama. I was named Top Call Girl by the League.
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The Rose Bowl is the only bowl I've ever seen that I didn't have to clean.
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One certainty when you travel is the moment you arrive in a foreign country, the American dollar will fall like a stone.
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Sex in the nineties is boring. The problem is that it has gone from an active act to a spectator sport. We watch people make love on television and in films. We call 900 numbers to hear what someone would do to us if they weren't sitting in a boiler room of other dirty talkers reading from a prepared script.
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There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it.
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Grandmas can shed the yoke of responsibility, relax and enjoy their grandchildren in a way that was not possible when they were raising their own children. And they can glow in the realisation that here is their seed of life that will harvest generations to come.