Sarah Silverman Quotes
-
I still have highs and lows, maybe I don't cry salty tears as much.
-
That still feels like the most accurate description - I felt homesick, but I was home.
-
I can only speak from my own experience, and I would say that the depression I experienced feels like a chemical change. When it came over me, when it comes over me, it feels like it's coming over me like a flu.
-
I'm a total one-hour drama addict. I think when you're a comedian, you tend towards dramas because that's the less stressful thing to watch.
-
In the '80s especially, a lot of comedians felt compelled to stick with what made them famous and those people became caricatures.
-
You want to make people laugh and by virtue of that please them, but when you're instructed to make people laugh and please them, you're too resentful to do it.
-
I gave him a compliment! All right, I told him he probably would've made, like, a really expensive slave in the, like, in the olden-timey days.
-
You can be Hitler and go to confession and say forgive me, Father, I killed six million Jews, and the priest would just be like no problem. Say 10 Heil Marys. And Hitler goes to heaven.
-
The sun shines directly on this great country, and it can be harvested, it's not owned by anybody. It's something the Jews and the Palestinians share and could work together to make the whole world a better place, not just this Middle East stuff, but the whole world.
-
I'm personally not into a guy who wears pedal pushers and a necklace.
-
I buy water at the liquor store across the street from where I live. So I'm walking into the door, and standing, loitering, outside the door is a man. And I walk by him to go in, and he says, "I want pussy!" Now, I don't want to seem conceited or anything, but he was talking about me!
-
I was a bedwetter until I was about 15, and it was humiliating.
-
When you’re a bed wetter there’s only one group of people you can feel better than, bed shitters, and unfortunately they’re hard to come by.
-
I'll tell you why we make fun of midgets: We're not afraid of them.
-
My dad was a bedwetter; I think his dad was a bedwetter. I like to talk about it because it's something that I thought would be my deepest, darkest secret my whole life, and then you become an adult, and it's not.
-
Like I said about Seinfeld and Chris Rock, they're a great combination of brilliance and hard work. But there are people who are brilliant and don't work hard, and there are people who are brilliant and sabotage themselves.
-
Unvisited tombstones, unread diaries, and erased video game high-score rankings are three of the most potent symbols of mankind's pathetic and fruitless attempts at immortality.
-
I always look at myself knowing that I will have a certain degree of cognitive distortion.
-
Jesus is magic, because he turned water into wine. I think he made the statue of liberty disappear in the 80s or something.
-
I have lows, you know, everybody does ... but I kind of know how to handle it. I like to let myself wallow in it. I enforce it with terribly sad music, and it kind of pushes me through to the other side eventually, and I always know it's going to pass.
-
When God gives you AIDS - and God does give you AIDS, by the way - make lemonAIDS.
-
I don't really like saying "the gays"... I'm not sure why. I suppose I say "the Jews." but I don't say "the blacks." I guess because I'm a Jew for all intents and purposes and to group people together of which I am not one in such a casual way feels disrespectful.
-
I've never had an abortion. And I don't know if I would. But, it doesn't mean that I wouldn't fight to the death for women to make their own choices for their own human bodies.
-
You have to be able to laugh at yourself. That's what I tell Asian people all the time.