Sarah Silverman Quotes
-
You can be Hitler and go to confession and say forgive me, Father, I killed six million Jews, and the priest would just be like no problem. Say 10 Heil Marys. And Hitler goes to heaven.
-
One of the greatest things my therapist said to me ... and it really blew my mind in the greatest way, he just said, "Look in the mirror less."
-
That still feels like the most accurate description - I felt homesick, but I was home.
-
I'm a total one-hour drama addict. I think when you're a comedian, you tend towards dramas because that's the less stressful thing to watch.
-
When God gives you AIDS - and God does give you AIDS, by the way - make lemonAIDS.
-
It's funny how people will think I'm being sarcastic a lot and joking. So I'll say, "I like your dress," and they'll go "(bleep) you!" Or I say something serious and they go, "Oh, yeah, ha-ha." They're strangers. They're people who know me from comedy, but luckily I am on pretty much all the time!
-
I can only speak from my own experience, and I would say that the depression I experienced feels like a chemical change. When it came over me, when it comes over me, it feels like it's coming over me like a flu.
-
In the '80s especially, a lot of comedians felt compelled to stick with what made them famous and those people became caricatures.
-
I've never had an abortion. And I don't know if I would. But, it doesn't mean that I wouldn't fight to the death for women to make their own choices for their own human bodies.
-
You want to make people laugh and by virtue of that please them, but when you're instructed to make people laugh and please them, you're too resentful to do it.
-
I buy water at the liquor store across the street from where I live. So I'm walking into the door, and standing, loitering, outside the door is a man. And I walk by him to go in, and he says, "I want pussy!" Now, I don't want to seem conceited or anything, but he was talking about me!
-
The truth is, I've denied it for years, but I love deconstructing comedy.
-
You have to be able to laugh at yourself. That's what I tell Asian people all the time.
-
I always look at myself knowing that I will have a certain degree of cognitive distortion.
-
I'm so much more famous than I am financially successful. I mean, I live in a three-room apartment. I mostly make free videos on my couch. But I am fine.
-
The sun shines directly on this great country, and it can be harvested, it's not owned by anybody. It's something the Jews and the Palestinians share and could work together to make the whole world a better place, not just this Middle East stuff, but the whole world.
-
I'll tell you why we make fun of midgets: We're not afraid of them.
-
I was a bedwetter until I was about 15, and it was humiliating.
-
Jesus is magic, because he turned water into wine. I think he made the statue of liberty disappear in the 80s or something.
-
I gave him a compliment! All right, I told him he probably would've made, like, a really expensive slave in the, like, in the olden-timey days.
-
It feels weird in our ear holes to hear people worshipping a guy named Ron. We know Rons in our life.
-
When you’re a bed wetter there’s only one group of people you can feel better than, bed shitters, and unfortunately they’re hard to come by.
-
I didn't lose my virginity until I was twenty-six. Nineteen vaginally, but twenty-six what my boyfriend calls "the real way".
-
I'm personally not into a guy who wears pedal pushers and a necklace.