Sarah Silverman Quotes
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When God gives you AIDS - and God does give you AIDS, by the way - make lemonAIDS.
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I was going to get an abortion the other day. I totally wanted an abortion. And it turns out I was just thirsty.
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I never want to be in a position where I have to defend my material. It's too subjective. It's for other people to defend or not defend.
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I love making videos on my couch. You can put those on the Internet fast. I can express myself.
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Why would I become involved with something that doesn't include everyone? If you're getting married today, it's the equivalent of joining a country club that doesn't allow blacks or Jews.
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I'll tell you why we make fun of midgets: We're not afraid of them.
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I grew up in a house where there were no taboos, so it came originally from a pretty innocent place, where I was shocked at the things that shocked people.
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If I don't do stand-up for two weeks, I get freaked out.
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I just look like a transvestite when I try to dress up. There's no place to hide my balls.
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I was paralyzed with fear. It was unbearable to be among other kids who were just standing around being fine. It was one of the many inconveniences of this paradox I lived with -the more people I was surrounded by, the more frighteningly alone I felt.
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Men like to squash you. I just want someone who's happy with himself, happy with his life. He doesn't have to squash mine.
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As soon as a woman is old enough to have an opinion and have a voice and be unafraid, she's very much encouraged by all sorts of people to crawl under a rock and die. And it's so weird. My crime is not dying.
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I mean, I talk about being Jewish a lot. It's funny because I do think of myself as Jewish ethnically, but I'm not religious at all. I have no religion.
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You have to be able to laugh at yourself. That's what I tell Asian people all the time.
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I'm always in those tabloids where they show who's badly dressed. It's funny, because each time I'm getting my picture taken, I'm thinking, This is a nice outfit.
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I didn't lose my virginity until I was twenty-six. Nineteen vaginally, but twenty-six what my boyfriend calls "the real way".
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Since so many people these days don't seem to start their families until around age forty, I predict there will be less child beating, but more slipped disks from lifting babies out of cribs. Even the father of advanced age who's not inclined to spare the rod is likely to suffer more than his victim: The first punch he throws might well be the last straw for his rotator cuff, reducing his disciplinary options to mere verbal abuse and napping.
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If you sell the Vatican and you take that money and you use it to feed every single human being on the planet, you will get cah-azy pussy. All the pussy. I don't mean literally. That might not be your cup of tea. I don't know what your version of 'all the pussy' is. But you'll get all the pussy.
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And we're just all made of molecules and we're hurtling through space right now.
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I was sent to sleepover camp since I was 6, and you know, it's a recipe for disaster.
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The truth is, I've denied it for years, but I love deconstructing comedy.
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I don't want to deconstruct what I do.
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I don't care if you think I'm racist. I just want you to think I'm thin.
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I think I've been called edgy - but in all honestly, there is a safety in what I do because I'm always the idiot.