Sarah Silverman Quotes
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Unvisited tombstones, unread diaries, and erased video game high-score rankings are three of the most potent symbols of mankind's pathetic and fruitless attempts at immortality.
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I remember the horror story that I told myself over and over again. I'm totally alone in my body. I'm totally alone in my head and nobody will ever see through my eyes. I'm just completely alone.
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I didn't lose my virginity until I was twenty-six. Nineteen vaginally, but twenty-six what my boyfriend calls "the real way".
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Men like to squash you. I just want someone who's happy with himself, happy with his life. He doesn't have to squash mine.
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Everyone's got their own velocity, and there's no real time frame with comedy.
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I do love poop. I can't help it. The heart wants what it wants. I enjoy being clever and pithy and political, but nothing's going to get me like dumb stuff.
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I know how to write. So I am not totally at the mercy of filmmakers, but it's not a bad point.
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Jesus is magic, because he turned water into wine. I think he made the statue of liberty disappear in the 80s or something.
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I'm lucky because I intentionally keep my overhead low, and so I can say, "No, thank you."
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I just look like a transvestite when I try to dress up. There's no place to hide my balls.
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I was paralyzed with fear. It was unbearable to be among other kids who were just standing around being fine. It was one of the many inconveniences of this paradox I lived with -the more people I was surrounded by, the more frighteningly alone I felt.
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People say I'm a nice girl saying terrible things. I tend to say the opposite of what I think. You hope that the absolute power of that transcends, and reaches the audience.
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And then before going back for my sophomore year, I decided to change my major to arts and sciences, and my dad cut a deal with me: He said if I'd quit school he'd pay my rent for the next three years, as if I were in school.
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I don't want to deconstruct what I do.
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I think I've been called edgy - but in all honestly, there is a safety in what I do because I'm always the idiot.
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In your twenties, I think you should have all of the sex that you're inclined to have, as long as you're safe about it. Use condoms and everything. Go with your instincts. This is the time to have a lot of sex and do drugs. But make sure you live through it.
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Since so many people these days don't seem to start their families until around age forty, I predict there will be less child beating, but more slipped disks from lifting babies out of cribs. Even the father of advanced age who's not inclined to spare the rod is likely to suffer more than his victim: The first punch he throws might well be the last straw for his rotator cuff, reducing his disciplinary options to mere verbal abuse and napping.
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Scientology is weird because it's new.
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I learned pretty early is I never defend my material; it's for other people to if someone is offended. It's so subjective, and if you don't find it funny, it's definitely going to be offensive.
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I was sent to sleepover camp since I was 6, and you know, it's a recipe for disaster.
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I'm always in those tabloids where they show who's badly dressed. It's funny, because each time I'm getting my picture taken, I'm thinking, This is a nice outfit.
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Everyone self-Googles. And, I have, of course, the Google alert.
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I grew up in a house where there were no taboos, so it came originally from a pretty innocent place, where I was shocked at the things that shocked people.
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I'll tell you why we make fun of midgets: We're not afraid of them.