Sarah Silverman Quotes
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Anything television trivia I'm good at. But when you're on your couch, you're really good at it, but when you're standing there, it's probably scary.
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I never want to be in a position where I have to defend my material. It's too subjective. It's for other people to defend or not defend.
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I love making videos on my couch. You can put those on the Internet fast. I can express myself.
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Why would I become involved with something that doesn't include everyone? If you're getting married today, it's the equivalent of joining a country club that doesn't allow blacks or Jews.
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I just look like a transvestite when I try to dress up. There's no place to hide my balls.
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If I don't do stand-up for two weeks, I get freaked out.
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When God gives you AIDS - and God does give you AIDS, by the way - make lemonAIDS.
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I was sent to sleepover camp since I was 6, and you know, it's a recipe for disaster.
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I grew up in a house where there were no taboos, so it came originally from a pretty innocent place, where I was shocked at the things that shocked people.
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I was paralyzed with fear. It was unbearable to be among other kids who were just standing around being fine. It was one of the many inconveniences of this paradox I lived with -the more people I was surrounded by, the more frighteningly alone I felt.
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Men like to squash you. I just want someone who's happy with himself, happy with his life. He doesn't have to squash mine.
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As soon as a woman is old enough to have an opinion and have a voice and be unafraid, she's very much encouraged by all sorts of people to crawl under a rock and die. And it's so weird. My crime is not dying.
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I remember the horror story that I told myself over and over again. I'm totally alone in my body. I'm totally alone in my head and nobody will ever see through my eyes. I'm just completely alone.
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I'll tell you why we make fun of midgets: We're not afraid of them.
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I'm doing stuff on Kaballah and Scientology and a little bit more racial stuff, for good measure.
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People say I'm a nice girl saying terrible things. I tend to say the opposite of what I think. You hope that the absolute power of that transcends, and reaches the audience.
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I do love poop. I can't help it. The heart wants what it wants. I enjoy being clever and pithy and political, but nothing's going to get me like dumb stuff.
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Since so many people these days don't seem to start their families until around age forty, I predict there will be less child beating, but more slipped disks from lifting babies out of cribs. Even the father of advanced age who's not inclined to spare the rod is likely to suffer more than his victim: The first punch he throws might well be the last straw for his rotator cuff, reducing his disciplinary options to mere verbal abuse and napping.
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I didn't lose my virginity until I was twenty-six. Nineteen vaginally, but twenty-six what my boyfriend calls "the real way".
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I think I've been called edgy - but in all honestly, there is a safety in what I do because I'm always the idiot.
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I mean, I talk about being Jewish a lot. It's funny because I do think of myself as Jewish ethnically, but I'm not religious at all. I have no religion.
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In your twenties, I think you should have all of the sex that you're inclined to have, as long as you're safe about it. Use condoms and everything. Go with your instincts. This is the time to have a lot of sex and do drugs. But make sure you live through it.
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I don't care if you think I'm racist. I just want you to think I'm thin.
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And then before going back for my sophomore year, I decided to change my major to arts and sciences, and my dad cut a deal with me: He said if I'd quit school he'd pay my rent for the next three years, as if I were in school.