Sarah Silverman Quotes
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I'm always in those tabloids where they show who's badly dressed. It's funny, because each time I'm getting my picture taken, I'm thinking, This is a nice outfit.
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Summer camp: the second worst camp for Jews.
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My stepfather, John O'Hara, was the goodest man there was. He was not a man of many words, but of carefully chosen ones. He was the one parent who didn't try to fix me. One night I sat on his lap in his chair by the wood stove, sobbing. He just held me quietly and then asked only, "What does it feel like?" It was the first time I was prompted to articulate it. I thought about it, then said, "I feel homesick." That still feels like the most accurate description - I felt homesick, but I was home.
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Traditionally, I have no right to talk about race. I'm white; I didn't grow up in an all-black neighborhood. But the license I see for myself is I'm a member of the world.
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In your twenties, I think you should have all of the sex that you're inclined to have, as long as you're safe about it. Use condoms and everything. Go with your instincts. This is the time to have a lot of sex and do drugs. But make sure you live through it.
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If you quit being cunty, the whole world will stop being against you.
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I can't wait till Sunday, I'm gonna see my favorite niece and my other niece.
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I'm a very ritualistic person. I have to wash my face twice, and on the second wash before I rinse, I brush my teeth, then I rinse, then I floss, then I put on moisturizer. I'm ritualistic. Jewishness is very ritualistic.
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I was sent to sleepover camp since I was 6, and you know, it's a recipe for disaster.
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Don't tell girls they can be anything they want when they grow up. Because it would have never occurred to them that they couldn't. It's like saying, 'Hey, when you get in the shower, I'm not gonna read your diary.' 'Wait--are you gonna read my diary?' 'No! I said I'm not gonna read your diary. Go take a shower!'
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I'm doing stuff on Kaballah and Scientology and a little bit more racial stuff, for good measure.
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I learned that people in wheelchairs are allowed to have marathons … which, to me, seems like cheating, but what are you gonna say?
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Smells definitely do have a crazy impact on me.
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Jews are the most liberal, scrappy, civil-rightsy people there are.
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If I don't do stand-up for two weeks, I get freaked out.
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When I came out to L. A., I got a part in an episode of 'Star Trek: Voyager,' and I hired an acting coach.
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I don't like people whose job it isn't to be funny, to tell me what is and isn't funny.
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Scientology is weird because it's new.
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Everyone self-Googles. And, I have, of course, the Google alert.
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I think that whenever a Jew has any kind of notoriety, good or bad, the Jews find it to be good.
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I'm Jewish, but I'm totally not.
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I think fake boobs have done great things for real boobs. I think people finally appreciate real boobs. People like real boobs. I do. I also enjoy the fact that they are life-nourishers.
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When I was 9 or 10 years old, my dad took me over to a neighboring farm to help get stuff for the meal. The farmer, Vic, told me to look at all the turkeys and pick one out. I saw a cute one with a silly walk and cried, 'Him!' Before my pointing finger had even dropped to my side, Vic had grabbed the turkey by the neck and slit the animal's throat. Blood and feathers went flying. I had sentenced that turkey to death! Up until then, I didn't know where meat came from—and I've been a vegetarian ever since.
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Comics who grew up surviving their childhood by being able to be the first one to make the joke about their weight or their hairy arms - like me - whatever they're insecure about, whatever they're apologizing for, that becomes their strength.