Scott Adams Quotes
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Ratbert (as lab rat, to scientist): Doc, we have to talk. Every day you feed me over a hundred pounds of macaroni and cheese. At first I thought you were just being a good host. But lately I've been thinking it could be something far more sinister.
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I was surprised to learn that doing household chores qualifies as romantic for most of you women. That's exactly why you should never hire a butler if you strike it rich - the minute that Jeeves starts unloading the dishwasher without being asked, your wife is going to start humping his leg.
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As a rule, I don't like to laugh at the misfortune of others. The exception to that rule is if it's really, really funny.
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I'm slowly becoming a convert to the principle that you can't motivate people to do things, you can only demotivate them. The primary job of the manager is not to empower but to remove obstacles.
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There are always deadlines I have to meet. I don't let myself get too close to the deadlines, so it's not like I'm just sweating bullets or anything if the clock is ticking. I never let myself get in that situation.
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Stem cells are like toenail clippings with a better career plan.
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Dilbert: It took weeks but I've calculated a new theory about the origin of the universe. According to my calculations it didn't start with a "Big Bang" at all-it was more of "Phhbwt" sound. You may be wondering about the practical applications of the "Little Phhbwt" theory. Dogbert: I was wondering when you'll go away.
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Everyone says there's a lack of leadership in the world these days. I think we should all be thankful, because the only reason for leadership is to convince people to do things that are either dangerous (like invading another country) or stupid (working extra hard without extra pay).
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Your shower is ready - I turned it on last night.
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Life is half delicious yogurt, half crap, and your job is to keep the plastic spoon in the yogurt.
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By definition, risk-takers often fail. So do morons. In practice it's difficult to sort them out.
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Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion.
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When life gives you lemons... choke on them and die... you stupid lemon eater.
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If you don't believe your salmon is wild, ask it to fetch your newspaper and see what happens.
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E-books are impervious to analogy.
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Beware of those who try to sell you simple answers to complex questions.
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The greenest home is the one you don't build. If you really want to save the Earth, move in with another family and share a house that's already built. Better yet, live in the forest and eat whatever the squirrels don't want.
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Beware the advice of successful people; they do not seek company.
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The job isn't done until you've blamed someone for the parts that went wrong.
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There’s nothing more humbling than seeing your best quotes in a list, and thinking they could have been written by a coma patient with a keyboard and spasms.
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People are so conditioned to take sides that a balanced analysis looks to them like hatred.
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Large corporations welcome innovation and individualism in the same way the dinosaurs welcomed large meteors.
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There's a gigantic gray area between good moral behavior and outright felonious activities. I call that the Weasel Zone and it's where most of life happens.
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In the future, airplanes will be flown by a dog and a pilot. And the dog's job will be to make sure that if the pilot tries to touch any of the buttons, the dog bites him.