Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
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When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
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I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
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I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
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I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
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I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
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I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.
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I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
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I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
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I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
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I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
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I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.