Humor Quotes
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
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Six Secrets to Being a Successful Humorist 1. Be scared, unhappy, and an outcast as a kid. 2. Drop out of high school. 3. Spend time alone. 4. Don't take a comedy course. 5. Read other humorists but don't worship them. 6. Don't get your hopes up.
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I had no way to have a sense of humor about The Exorcist. I didn't know how. And this enabled me.
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You think when gym teachers were younger, they're thinking, "You know, I want to teach...but I don't want to read. How about kickball for 40 years?"
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If Disney still wants to make Epcot Center futuristic, they could do so by blowing the place up with an atom bomb.
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I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn't even have attempted it.
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You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before.
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I tried the Scarsdale diet and the Stillman water diet (you remember that one, where you run weight off trying to get to the bathroom).
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Theres no drama like wrestling.
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For me, it would be very difficult to express an opinion about our times without humor. I don't think you could do that.
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And when we take ourselves too seriously, we are grim about the brothers and sisters, especially the dissenting ones, and there will be no health in us and no healing humor.
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I don't think there's anything to be afraid of. Failure brings great rewards - in the life of an artist.
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A lot of good arguments are spoiled by some fool who knows what he is talking about.
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Every culture loves scatological humour. That's always a favourite.
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I didn't lose my virginity until I was twenty-six. Nineteen vaginally, but twenty-six what my boyfriend calls "the real way".
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This predilection of bright women to twist themselves into bizarre submissive postures from which only humor can release them is something die-hard feminists will never address. But Iris and I were in agreement: there is nothing that warms a smart girl's heart like the smile on the face of a sadist.
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I am a great believer that what makes our show different is the humor.
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Nothing has really happened until it has been recorded.
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I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. "What do you want?", she asked. "I want to stay here", I replied. "Well, stay there then", she said and closed the window.
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We’re never satisfied when it comes to food. ‘You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich. Instead of a bun, let’s use two donuts. That way we can have it for breakfast. Look out McGriddle. Here comes the donut-ham-hamburger!’
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I'd like to do a reality show with four white people...who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called...Cracker Hunt.
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We've got stained glass windows in our house; it's those damned pigeons.
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The sky is so clear today you can see all the way to Missouri.
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Rich Folkers is throwing 'em up in the bullpen.
