Humor Quotes
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I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.
Steve Martin -
You didn't have to say it was gone. It was gone before it got outta here. It was going that fast.
Jerry Coleman
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My son did not show signs of a money deficiency until he opened his small fist in the nursery and found it was empty.
Erma Bombeck -
After all, when a thought takes one's breath away, a lesson on grammar seems an impertinence.
Thomas Wentworth Higginson -
So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."
Chic Murray -
There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.
Chic Murray -
During sex I fantasize that I'm someone else.
Richard Lewis -
I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.
Steve Martin
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Limousines used to be reserved for the ruling class, or, on special occasions, for the working class. Today, limousines are like taxicabs with the door handles still intact.
Erma Bombeck -
To me, being funny is more important than making a point, but I don't know. Most politicians are so interested in making points that they don't ... I'd rather be funny myself, and I'd rather listen to somebody with a little sense of humor.
Tom Lehrer -
If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney.
Erma Bombeck -
Kippers : fish that like a lot of sleep.
Chic Murray -
Delicate humor is the crowning virtue of the saints.
Evelyn Underhill -
Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.
Minnie Pearl
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It's funny because it's true, and also it's the kind of humor that makes you think.
Bill Konigsberg -
I don't have any powers other than the power of sex. And humor.
Morena Baccarin -
As humourless a lump of dough as ever held a torchlight vigil outside the South African Embassy or stuck an AIDS awareness ribbon on an unwilling first-nighter.
Stephen Fry -
It's so hard to believe in anything anymore, you know what I mean? It's like, religion, you really can't take it seriously, 'cause it seems so mythological, and seems so arbitrary; and then on the other hand, science is just pure empiricism, and by virtue of its method, it excludes metaphysics. I guess I wouldn't believe in anything if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch.
Steve Martin -
When you look like your passport photo, it's time to go home.
Erma Bombeck -
People are always asking couples whose marriage has endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
Erma Bombeck
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As far as how I approach the humor, I think the best comedy is going to happen when I'm myself and act organically to a news item or situation.
Nikki Glaser -
So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "Break my arms."
Tommy Cooper -
If something's neither here nor there, where the hell is it?
Chic Murray -
I can only do what I do with a spirit of humor, and faith and give the controls over to something else.
Elizabeth Lesser