Humor Quotes
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I can only do what I do with a spirit of humor, and faith and give the controls over to something else.
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Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it: if a stranger smiles at you and they’re attractive, you think, ‘Oh, they’re nice,’ but if a stranger’s ugly, you’re like, ‘What do they want? Get away from me, weirdo.
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Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet.
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Mike Caldwell, the Padres' right-handed southpaw, will pitch tonight.
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People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in. Filing a claim for insurance is terminal.
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I was trampled to death by a man who believed his luggage would be the first piece off. If he were an experienced traveler, he would know that the first piece of luggage belongs to no one. It's just a dummy suitcase to give everyone hope.
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You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
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I believe in eight of the ten commandments. I believe in going to church every Sunday... unless there's a game on.
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Good-humor is the clear blue sky of the soul.
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Ozzie Smith is out there roaming around like glass.
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Inconceivable!" "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
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I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling... the rest I spend foolishly.
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You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book? They're always so condescending. 'Ah, the book was much better than the movie.' Oh really? What I enjoyed about the movie: no reading.
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I'm paranoid. On my stationary bike, I have a rear view mirror.
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She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.
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To me, being funny is more important than making a point, but I don't know. Most politicians are so interested in making points that they don't ... I'd rather be funny myself, and I'd rather listen to somebody with a little sense of humor.
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Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
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A Cannibal is a person who walks into a restaurant and orders a waiter.
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Last night's homer was Stargell's 399th career home run, leaving him one shy of 500.
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I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure
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Humor is the sense of the Absurd which is despair refusing to take itself seriously.
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I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.
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Delicate humor is the crowning virtue of the saints.
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During sex I fantasize that I'm someone else.
