Funny Quotes
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When I came out to Hollywood in 1985, I thought that I would be sitcom star. I'm a tall, skinny, goofy guy. I thought that I would make a great funny neighbor, or wacky office mate, in a sitcom.
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Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it.
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I'm blonde and tanned and normal-sized! I'm sweet, shy, funny, have a big heart and I'm nice - and I like to eat.
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I'm so unprofessional on set it's not even funny.
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Jet, I can almost remember their funny faces
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Two things I really wanted to be: a stand-up comic or a New York Yankee - or a really funny New York Yankee.
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I'm tall and thin but not strong, so you're either an athlete or you're funny.
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Very little is known of the Canadian country since it is rarely visited by anyone but the Queen and illiterate sport fishermen.
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A rich man's joke is always funny.
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Inappropriateness is funny to me. Rudeness is hilarious.
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I think there have always been funny women, from Carol Burnett to Joan Rivers. When the audience sees a woman, they innately know she's worked twice as hard to get there, she's had to prove that she can be the leader, first, and then be funny on top of it. She has to emit a confidence that she's in control.
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I don't think I would do a straight late-night talk show, like a 'Tonight Show' kind of thing. But I'm open to whatever is done well. I don't have any agenda. I'm not like Fugazi - I'm not trying to be just so punk rock until I die. Whatever is funny is good.
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A lot of female comedians will go up there in a sweatshirt and Converses, trying to dress themselves down, because it is sort of a boy's club. I'll go up in my heels. I like that people don't think I'll be funny. I'll take that on. I don't do standup comedy - I do standup and I do comedy, but I don't go up there and do jokes.
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It's funny when you're a kid how you can acclimate to almost anything.
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I find what I do for a living really funny. I mean, acting is kind of a hilarious thing for a grown man to call a job.
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I find being funny very hard work. I am always asked about it, and I feel guilty saying that, but it's the truth. I love my work, but it ain't easy.
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To be thrown onto the stand-up stage is an experience that you cannot fathom until you're actually there, because there's no place to go, and everyone is looking at you and you can't even see them because of the lights. And yet you have to manage to start talking and be funny on top of it.
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You know what's funny? There's times when you catch a ball and really didn't even see that ball. You're like, 'That couldn't have been all me.'
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What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
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Until now, until I actually got into law class, I just never thought of it as being an interest for me, but it's really funny because now that I'm in law, I'm like 'Wow, I could be a lawyer.
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I like Michael Moore, but I think of him more as a rabble-rouser. On his TV show, when he went to the home of the guy who invented the car alarm and set off all the car alarms on the block... pretty funny.
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I am not funny. The writers were funny. My directors were funny. The situations were funny… What I am is brave. I have never been scared. Not when I did movies, certainly not when I was a model and not when I did I Love Lucy.
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Some of my friends say that I only talk about myself. But it is funny: my house is covered in art but with nothing of my own, and when I'm working, I'm only thinking about what the client wants. So I don't see it that way, but maybe it's true. I mean, they are my friends.
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I think that the episodes are like mini horror films really; the characters make bad decisions early on and these things just snowball for them and get worse and worse. And that's what I find funny.
