Norm MacDonald Quotes
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Ever see this? It's a homeless guy but he's got a dog... The dog's really thrilled with this idea. The dog's going, Hey pal, I can do this by myself pretty well. The longest walk in the world you got me on here.
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You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.
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It is easier to hate those we love, than love those whom we have hated.
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I never had any interest in sitcoms or motion pictures or anything like that.
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I've been in theaters. Like Brian Regan, who I love - loved him so much more when he did the Improvs. And then in a big theater - nobody's that good.
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Love is an artful arrangement of artless pretensions, whereby we labor to appear innocent in what we desire to be most cunning.
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I'm not gay, so I don't know much about Broadway musicals.
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I've always been very averse to innuendo, especially sexual. I find it cowardly or something.
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Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.
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I don't do much. I'm too lazy. That's my problem. Hang around my couch, watching the TV. Just too lazy. I realized this the other day, I get hit my a truck tomorrow - a big truck could hit me - paralyze me from the neck down. Wouldn't effect my lifestyle a bit really.
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Though we may not desire to detect fraud, we must not, on that account, endeavor to be insensible of it, for, as cunning is a crime, so is duplicity a fault, and if men dread knaves, they also despise fools.
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Pulp Fiction is a, uh, gritty, urban satire. Pump Friction is a uh-uh, a bunch of uh, dudes and ladies having dirty sex.
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The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.
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OJ Simpson was in a different kind of courtroom this week attempting to regain custody of his two children. In order to prove to the court how much he loves his kids, OJ pointed out quote 'Hey, they're still alive, aren't they?'
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If you're looking for the suspect in a suicide bombing, here's a clue: Look for the dead guy.
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In estimating the adversities of life, we would seldom have much reason to complain of the evils we suffer, did we understand the dangers we daily escape.
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All my life's about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn't cost very much money.
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I've just seen really, really funny guys, and if I didn't know them, I wouldn't know they were funny from the television. I don't know what it does, it just sucks it away.
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Happiness is less regulated by external circumstances than inward enjoyment. Whoever is happy in the satisfaction of himself feels imperturbable felicity; but he, who trusts entirely to the world for the disposition of his peace, must inevitably participate in many privations and disappointments.
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Stand-up has the best writers, because it's the hardest writing by a million miles.
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They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.
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Note to self... Sex with blow-up doll is not as good as advertised.
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I'm not original, but I strive toward it as much as possible. I tried really hard on Weekend Update to do something that I considered original, which was, I tried to cut all cleverness out of the joke.
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There are two things at which most men are grieved: when their faults are exposed, and when their virtues are concealed.