Funny Quotes
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Roosevelt could always keep ahead with his work, but I cannot do it, and I know it is a grievous fault, but it is too late to remedy it. The country must take me as it found me. Wasn't it your mother who had a servant girl who said it was no use for her to try to hurry, that she was a "Sunday chil" and no "Sunday chil" could hurry? I don't think I am a Sunday child, but I ought to have been; then I would have had an excuse for always being late.
William Howard Taft -
The Christian church is a society of sinners. It is the only society in the world membership in which is based upon the single qualification that the candidate shall be unworthy of membership.
Charles Clayton Morrison
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Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted the whole day.
Mickey Rooney -
You think when gym teachers were younger, they're thinking, "You know, I want to teach...but I don't want to read. How about kickball for 40 years?"
Jim Gaffigan -
It's funny when people say you have sex appeal or call you the next Brad Pitt. I just laugh. I'm not that. I don't want to be that.
Kellan Lutz -
You can teach taste, editorial sense, but the ability to say something funny is something I've never been able to teach anyone.
Abe Burrows -
Kent Abbott is in the on-deck circuit.
Jerry Coleman -
If you don't like the news go out and make some of your own.
Wes Nisker
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It's more difficult getting up early in the morning when you're wearing silk pajamas.
Eddie Arcaro -
On the outskirts of every agony sits some observant fellow who points.
Virginia Woolf -
Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John.
Jim Gaffigan -
It's funny when people say they see a lot of Madonna in me. I just feel so flattered because I love her and I am just her biggest fan. She is very strong. I love the way she does interviews -you know you won't get anything past her.
Lady Gaga -
There's a shot up the alley. Oh, it's just foul.
Jerry Coleman -
It's fun to do something funny and have the director laughing. It makes you feel good.
Jon Lovitz
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I've always wanted to work with children, to help people, and to be funny.
Kym Whitley -
People are funny in the way that they choose to express themselves.
Frank Vincent -
I love comedians that dive into politics. I personally don't feel comfortable, with my background, weighing in unless I have a take that I think is funny enough that I would put it in front of an audience.
John Mulaney -
Sukhvinder wished that she could be more like Krystal: funny and tough; impossible to intimidate; always coming out fighting.
Joanne Rowling -
I personally do not find puke funny. I find it disgusting.
Lucy Punch -
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
Paul Merton
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Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a professional funny guy.
Chris Rock -
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
Erma Bombeck -
It started off with flu-like symptoms and pain; then, I started feeling really funny. In two weeks, I was paralyzed from the waist down, and it spiraled down from there. Every ability I had was slowly slipping away.
Victoria Arlen -
I was raped by a doctor. Which is, you know, so bittersweet for a Jewish girl.
Sarah Silverman