Funny Quotes
-
I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room
-
A good scare is worth more than good advice.
-
You know, I don't know if you know this about me or not, but I'm kind of a big deal.
-
We've got a bunch of new writers now who tell me they grew up watching The Simpsons. It's bizarre, and they're writing some very funny stuff.
-
People use the guise of art, and artistic expression, to do all kinds of hateful things. It's like Trump and everybody else using the guise of humor to say hateful things, the excuse being, 'I was just being funny.'
-
Unfortunately, my system for tracking down funny female writers isn't methodical. It's mainly based on word-of-mouth, which can cast a limited net.
-
Opinions are like nipples, everybody has one. Some have firm points, others are barely discernible through layers, and some are displayed at every opportunity regardless of whether the audience has stated "I am interested in your nipples" or not.
-
There's a difference between delivering real funny and just silly funny.
-
I did a character called Captain Q for Nestle's Quik. Those commercials were kind of funny.
-
You never want to be the worst bowler of the group-because then everyone treats you like you have cancer. "You can do it! We're praying for you." The advice starts. "Use a heavier ball." "Keep your arm straight." "You should get a vasectomy." If you're really bad at bowling like me, they'll ask if want the bumpers up. Not that bowling is that complex anyway. "You want the bumpers? We can get rid of the pins. Why don't you take this coloring book and sit in the corner?"
-
I know jazz is completely un-American. But the reason why America doesn't like it is because it's not funny. We americans have made jazz funny.
-
My friend and I founded the New York Arab-American Comedy Festival to counter the negative images of Arabs in media. And we always made sure that the comedy came first. So we weren't a bunch of Arabs trying to be funny. We were a bunch of comedians who just happened to be of Arab heritage.
-
There's always an article coming out, saying, 'The new thing is funny women!'
-
It's funny when people say they see a lot of Madonna in me. I just feel so flattered because I love her and I am just her biggest fan. She is very strong. I love the way she does interviews -you know you won't get anything past her.
-
I reach for funny books all the time to help me get through life.
-
I was watching Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? And I was thinking, "Why don't they just call that the female seahorse?" You know it's just some stubborn scientist. "Yeah, that one there's the male seahorse." And his assistant's like, "Uh, Bill, that one's having a baby." ... "The male has the baby. You're fired."
-
I learned that people in wheelchairs are allowed to have marathons … which, to me, seems like cheating, but what are you gonna say?
-
There's something innately funny and warm about being Jewish. I think it's something to be embraced and respected.
-
I decided I would rather have a day job and love music than to play music that made me hate it.
-
Roosevelt could always keep ahead with his work, but I cannot do it, and I know it is a grievous fault, but it is too late to remedy it. The country must take me as it found me. Wasn't it your mother who had a servant girl who said it was no use for her to try to hurry, that she was a "Sunday chil" and no "Sunday chil" could hurry? I don't think I am a Sunday child, but I ought to have been; then I would have had an excuse for always being late.
-
I'm just a dog person. I love dogs very much, especially big ones, hounds, and retrievers. I think they are funny and often have good senses of humor. Plus, they give unconditional love.
-
The Padres, after winning the first game of the doubleheader, are ahead here in the top of the fifth and hoping for a split.
-
I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda.
-
The other day in the garage, I found a book report from the seventh grade that I did about silent movie stars. It's funny to look at now, because it really foretold what my future would be.
