Jokes Quotes
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Jokes are used to hide the truth!
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And I watch all the dailies and I grade the jokes or the moments, you know, on a scale from... so I know exactly what we have. And so I can then go into the editing room and be like "I want you to do this moment, this moment, this joke, that joke. I'd like to see 3 versions."
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When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt - for obvious reasons - that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first cameback my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes.
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I live right next to a grocery store and I don't know if it's the bachelor in me, but I just go in and shop for what I need for the day. I'm an idiot because I don't shop for the whole week. The check out clerks always crack jokes about the fact that I'm in there sometimes twice a day.
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Nobody sold prints then and prices didn't mean anything. In terms of earning your living, it was a joke.
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Were it not for my little jokes, I could not bear the burdens of this office.
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I like bowling. It's just one of those things where I can do so many jokes about it because I do know bowling. Somebody once said, "The whitest things in the world are Jim Gaffigan and bowling."
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I never told a joke in my life.
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Like everyone is either, "I grew up with it," or "I loved it," or loved them now. And when you watch The Muppet Movie now, it is so current. It's like The Simpsons before The Simpsons. It's not as cynical as The Simpsons would be but it's self-aware and there are a billion jokes, it breaks the fourth wall every five minutes, it's astounding, it's awesome. It's very exciting to be a part of that.
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I curse in everyday life, but usually when I stub my toe. The topics I'm discussing, it's not necessary to curse. I found [cursing] is a sign that a joke is not finished or well-written.
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There is no such thing as too much fun. People need to know it is O.K. to tell jokes and be happy.
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I don't want to make compromises. I want my little silly jokes to be told with the correct punch line, and I'm satisfied trading off the immediacy to fulfill the detailed work of the artistic end of things.
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My father was the kind of guy who'd always say 'Throw out any subject and I got a joke on it,'
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If you're from New Jersey, let people make all those bad jokes about our state. Don't let anyone know how great it is here. It's the best kept secret.
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I don't take jokes from other people. It's really not cool to steal jokes from anybody. It's not cool to steal anything from anybody. Jokes are no different.
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Everything I say is a joke. I am a joke myself.
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When there are no women on the tour it can get awful and ugly - constant horrible jokes and gross behaviour. It needs to be leavened with a feminine presence.
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All the truly great stand-ups say, 'I go onstage, and I work on jokes. The inspiration will happen while I'm doing my work.' To me, in the end, the surest thing is work.
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I might do cartoonish sexual jokes, but it's my way of saying what's going on in the world. How people are animals, really.
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I had a healthy curiosity and would try things on - play lots of practical jokes. But it was more in my head - fantasies of "What would happen if...? Like what would happen in class if you took all your clothes off and you ran around the room?
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Ricky Gervais has jokes about people with disabilities, but do I think that's a healthy thing? Yes, I really do, because he's chosen his targets very carefully, and he's thought about what he's doing.
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Even where the game is today, cats don't really focus on necessarily what it is that you're saying so when people say, "Oh, you can't rap," I play into the joke. That's why I'll challenge anybody; anybody rapping, let's go just because I know what the art form is and even when you see these battle rappers in here, they're so skillful. It's actually a skill.
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I myself am convinced that the theory of evolution, especially to the extent to which it has been applied, will be one of the greatest jokes in the history books of the future. Posterity will marvel that so very flimsy and dubious an hypothesis could be accepted with the incredible credulity it has.
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To me, the highest expression of life is art with jokes. It's very rarified, very difficult to accomplish if you want to be more than just funny, and more than just jokes about human gaseousness.
