Funny Quotes
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I lot of people remember when that kid spray-painted my brand new Porsche for Punk'd. That was pretty funny. He got me pretty good. Of course, most people don't know I eventually got him back with my own show. I call it a show, really it's just an hour-long video shot in my bedroom featuring the two of us.
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I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.
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It's funny: We have so many shows and so many channels and so many things to occupy people as entertainment, especially with a show like 'Scandal,' which is clearly a hit, with a lot of heat around it - but every once in a while, people will say, 'What are you doing?' and I'll say 'Scandal,' and they'll have no idea what I'm talking about.
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The Islam of the 18th, 19th and first half of the 20th century was a poor thing. Nobody bothered about it. Islam was that funny sort of pure system of beliefs that depressed people in the Middle East held as their religion.
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You know how Mexican restaurants always have "border" in the name: Border Grill, Border Cafe. You wouldn't do that to black people: Kunta's Kitchen or Shackles. They don't do it to white people. You don't see the Honkey Grill, the Cracker Barrel... oh, nevermind.
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There's so many other talented women of color who write funny things every day, and I want them to be recognized, I want them to have a seat at the table because we're out here.
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The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with him.
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Even in the very beginning when she would bump into George Valentine and people would start taking pictures of her, she never thought, 'I'm with George Valentine. I need to get a picture with him.' She's like 'oh that's funny. Everyone's taking pictures!'
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I never saw myself as a comedian. I saw myself as a guy who can act funny.
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Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.
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Almost anything can be funny if said the right way - but it has to be said the right way.
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New York has made me so paranoid, too. Whenever I visit another city, I always act like I'm from there, so the cab driver doesn't rip me off. I'm always like, "Yeah, it's good to be back home. Back here where I grew up. Yeah. Here in Tokyo. ... Uh, driver, I need to go to my old stomping grounds. That would be the Holiday Inn. And the address appears to be the pound sign."
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Everyone told me to pass on Speed because it was a 'bus movie.'
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Whenever you go out to eat you gotta get the appetizer. 'Cause the appetizer's just an excuse for an extra meal. You're always like "Lets see, I will start with the 80 buffalo wings...and do you have a low-cal blue cheese? 'Cause I don't wanna fill up too much."
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Walked right by an ex-girlfriend today. Not on purpose, I just didn't recognize her with her mouth closed.
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If there's an audience, I think they're going to expect me to be funny. But what if I'm not funny? What if I fail?
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It is amazing how much more amazing sleep is in the morning. You wake up and you're like, "I stayed up to do what?! Watch Growing Pains? What was I thinking!?" But at night you're like, "La La La La La, Hey! Growing Pains, awesome! And I've seen this episode. That Kirk Cameron's always in trouble."
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I try to look at this music career thing as the means to an end. And really, at the end of it, I see myself on a sailboat, sailing off the edge of the world.
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The reason I'm writing funny books is that I wish there were more.
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Literature has drawn a funny perimeter that other art forms haven't.
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Earl was laughing about it by then. He thought it was funny.
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Now, I've gotten to the point in my career, I'm 13 years in, to where I know that I'm funny. I know that I'm good at this.
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Trust is hard to come by. That's why my circle is small and tight. I'm kind of funny about making new friends.
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But as far as being popular, yeah, I think Dave Barry is really funny.
